Review of Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) by Zachary S — 30 Dec 2017

This is an absolute piece of shit.

It's managed not only to fuck up the opportunity of an awesome trilogy, but simultaneously has somehow managed to ruin the first movie aswell. I was certain I'd love this so I bought it straight out the gate - I will never buy before reading Tomatoe reviews again. I call it my "Golden Circle Rule". (And fuck you google for giving everything 4 stars - you are officially as bad as apple now).

It is as one reviewer has already stated, "A Fucking Mess".

No humour whatsoever, insulting to our collective intelligence, (and crowd stupidity is a known phenomenon). Plots fucked. If I treated this paragraph like the... fucking whatever.

Another Planet of the Apes reminder. It teases you with a great opening seen, but then turns to dog shit. Apparently Eggsy was a shit eating pussy all along and every other character you loved from the first movie is either killed, or actually just turns out to be a complete cunt.

Not even worth one full watch. Once we got to Glastonberry I couldn't do it anymore - getting that far I wear as a badge of honour. All I kept thinking was who is responsible for this?

Just like the disaster that is the Ape film, its attempt on "commenting on society" fails - you patronising cunts. (Big Pharma, if you want to make everyone involved in this film disappear then I think we'd all look the other way).

There is positive news tho, it's so unnecessarily long, with just clever editing we might be able to make something watchable. Just deleting all the winks to the camera will do wonders, I removed the entire second half of the film and I know It's better for it.

1 star, And My "War for the Planet of the Apes" recognition award for December.