Review of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011) by Palmer R — 21 Oct 2011

I saw this film in a rare instance when I couldn't find anything else to watch on TV. And to be honest, I wanted to see for myself exactly what all the hype was about about good ol' Biebster (who's actually almost a year older than me, TAH DAH).

Now, for anyone who hasn't exactly been keeping up with the news, Justin Bieber is a Canadian pop singer who is, at the time of writing, the most famous teenager on the planet. And to a great deal of people, he has it all: money, fame, and millions of girls his age pining for him. Of course, being a heterosexual teenage guy, I admit that I'm not too fond of the Bieberina. I'll have to say though, this movie was fascinating. In a bad way.

The funniest thing is that it's pretty obvious that it took the most time to make Bieber look like he was destined to be the way he is now. As it turns out, he is, but not in the way that the makers of this film intended. He's portrayed as an uber-talented virtuoso of music, and should be hailed as the next Beatle, despite the fact that it attempts to prove this by showing a tiny Bieber playing drums, and he gets better and better the more recent the home videos provided by his mother gets. I'm not going to explain the flaw there. All of his crew, and especially some of the youngest and sluttiest tween girls I've ever seen, rave about him, but offer nothing except for something like "HEEEEEEEE'SSSSS SOOOOOOO CUTTTEEEEEEEEE." Bieber can sing, and Bieber can play musical instruments, and he's talented, more than me by far, but the question that never gets answered is: why exactly was this made? Bieber hasn't changed music at all, and he's like the Obama of entertainment: using modern technology to promote something that has already existed. Other metrosexual pop singers like N'Sync and Aaron Carter have already beaten him to the game, and they aren't any better than he is.

It also shows a sadder truth: Bieber's fame has gone to his head. And he did have an extremely good childhood, and his worst actual issue is that his father abandoned him, and then suddenly reappeared in his life, "Talladega Nights" style, right when he gets famous. Bieberworld revolves around Bieber, and his crew and ALL those girls just stoke the old ego even more. There's actually two home videos that do the best to prove this. In one, I'm guessing he's about six, he's playing the drums, and suddenly, it's another video, and he's about eight, playing them again. In the first one, he still looks like a kid. In the second one, he's dressed in a hoodie and cap, doing the "white boy urban" style, with an arrogant sneer on his face.

Expanding on that, his family's actually worse. They rave on and on about how great he is, but they're describing things ALL kids generally do. His mother's the worst: looking like a reject from one of those "Real Housewives" shows, with the classic "valley girl" expression of slack stupidity on her face, plus the voice. Don't forget deadbeat dad, who looks like a Jersey Shore addict, and actually looking like a stereotypical douchebag. With parents like that, it's no surprise that Bieber is now stuck up.

Watching all of this unfold is the interesting part. You see how one guy can turn rotten from a amazing life. You see the girls screaming at him, the fame, the glory, and it messes him up. And if this was anyone else, say "Joe Schmoe: Never Say Never," you'd have the same movie, made by greedy corporate executives for a little cash. Add the subtle Christian values to the movie (at one point, they get in a circle and say grace, despite the fact that his manager (looking like a clone copy of his dad) is Jewish. Good old Biebster.

So if you're a teenage guy like me, and not upper class, you may want to see this movie to see how the role model for the popular kids at school operates. You will see the complete moral bottom of American teenage-hood on that stage with him, and you're gonna wonder how we've stooped so low. You're going to hate this movie, but you're gonna hate it saying "The fuck just happened?".