Review of Justice League (2017) by Asher S — 12 Dec 2017

**Slight disclaimer: My "reviews," are really just gut reactions that I can remember and jot down. Forgive the sloppy styling, grammatical errors and general upheaval of my writing. While I do try and write something cohesive and obeying film review etiquette, mostly, I say fuck that. What I love about theater going is the surge of emotions I experience, especially during a particularly bad or a great film. I try (and likely fail) to translate that feeling into my writing but hey, I warned you. You can stop now and I'll never know.

Justice League.

Watched 11/18/2017.

This review is hard for me write because, well, frankly this movie was trash from start to finish. I left the theater in a bad mood, I felt like watching this movie was serious work, like I gave up over 2 hours of my weekend to get called into the office. Disney runs the monopoly of a-list franchises right now. Lego, Star Wars, Marvel, they are a force that cannot be reckoned with. Those little script writing goblins, directors, and artists, they keep in a dungeon like vault, are working for them. And working well. They put out good, fun, superhero movies. I am so jaded on this genre, I go into them hating myself for going into them, yet I really enjoyed those Galaxy of the Guardian flicks. These kind of films that make us fondly remember the comics while not alienating the cool kids that never read them, the kind that put a unique, modern twist on villains, give us heros that are funny, and relatable whether they are in an iron suit or whether their skin turns green. We love what we can relate to. Justice League has zero in which I can relate to.

I can confidently say, DC's counter punch, their 1st whack at the super-hero alliance/avengers chapter of their film universe is a swing and a miss. They wanted to so badly to hit that huge "Certified Fresh/Breaking Box Office Records" pinata. And in typical DC/Warner Bros, fashion, they missed...spectacularly.

Now for the 3 of you that read my reviews you know I hate synopsis. I loathe them, but, if I don't write about a synopsis in this review I won't have anything to write about. Batman has to assemble a team of superheros to stop mega villain Steppenwolf (you read that right) and his army of robot/bug men (unfortunately you read that right too) from eating or destroying all of Gotham and the world. Once again, you read that right. The villain in this movie is atrocious. And not in a good way. When he 1st appears I was 100% certain he was the villain appetizer, like "okay, they'll kill him quick and we will see the real shit." Nope. He stuck around the entire 2 hour runtime. He sucks. He fucking sucks bad. How many times have we seen bug robots destroy a city. How can they have missed the mark so badly? Steppenwolf looks like an Uruk-Hai, from Lord of the Rings, (good) mixed with Ivan Ooze from the 1995 Power Rangers film (bad). He is a vomity mess of effects. And the army of bug-bots? Stop me now.

The majority of this film is trying to get reluctant lone wolf heroes to join the super squad. We know all of them are going to join, shit, we saw the poster! So why waste over an hour to get us there? This movie should have had them all planning on how to kill bug people within the first 30 minutes.

Everything good and wholesome about the last Wonder Woman movie is literally thrown in the garbage, her ass alone occupies nearly the entirety of the screen more than 3 times, we even get half of an up her Wonder Skirt shot. I hate it when heroes are sexualized...wait, it's only female heroes that get it (credit to Joel Schumacher for showing us Batman's rubber nipples and ass in Batman Forever).

Aquaman almost works, they try really, really, hard to make him so cool and above a Justice League. It's like Snyder and Terrio and Joss Whedon were like, "Don't believe Aquaman can be badass? Watch this!" It's insanity, the level of try hard that was going on. Don't believe me? They have a slow motion shot of him chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels while The White Stripes, "Icky Thump," is blaring. The only thing missing was a vape and a "Supreme," hat. He may even throw the empty bottle in the ocean, I can't remember and god forbid I go back to find out.

The best insult, is Flash (I think that's his name), they really capture millennial angst quite nicely with him. The kids never shuts up, thinks everything is awkward, and constantly tells poorly timed and poorly themed jokes. There's a monologue about how awkward brunch is "Is it breakfast or is it lunch?" That's what we are dealing with, that's our introduction the character. Batman and Flash talk about brunch for 2 minutes. They put all of the humor on Flash's shoulders, like their response to DC movies not being funny or light enough they thought "Oh you want funny, COMING RIGHT UP!" Those Marvel flicks are funny because everyone is funny, physical humor, awkward jokes, crude/cringe humor. Truly funny movies have a wide array of jokes, one second you're thinking that's not funny and the next you're laughing. They cast a wide net and eventually they will get your funny bone. The only funny moment in the film is when Wonder Woman lassos up Aquaman and he starts spilling his guts about how sensitive and alone he feels. It worked, but then immediately after I chuckled, Flash has to make some awkward quip. It's just overdone and lame.

What a fucking shame. I've never seen a Batman movie in which I was sick of Batman, even Schumachers 1997 Batman and Robin was a total mess, but I could finish it. Both of the recent DC films featuring Bats, have been an absolute chore to finish. If it wasn't for my film going companion insisting we finish this shit show, I would've happily left. The solution is simple. Get an interesting villain (you have the entire DC universe to pick from), don't be afraid to try new things with superheros (Batman doesn't always have to be bleak and dark), stop trying to be funny and just be funny (have your heroes make fun of themselves, all of them) and make your movie fun. We know you guys are going to beat the bad guys, every time, so at least just relax and take a few risks and watch your Tomatometer rise!