Review of Justice League (2017) by Erick E — 16 Nov 2017

"No, it cannot be," is one of the most cliched movie lines of all time. When the bad guy gets the reveal that things are not going his way, the bad guy in the really bad superhero movie says this. And that's probably why people laughed when the bad guy in Justice League says it with more dramatization than most bad movies would allow. Justice League is terrible. It is so terrible that you will lose IQ points seeing it. It is so bad that it actually makes Batman vs Superman look good. And you should be angry about that. Zach Snyder has managed to take Wonder Woman, Batman, Superman, the Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg and turn out a terrible movie for such awesome characters.

Here's all you need to know to know how bad it is with only very, very, very mild spoilers that take nothing from a movie that takes a chunk of change from your pocket and then makes you stupid. Superman comes back to life. That is not a spoiler because their movie promotional material lets everyone know. Compare that to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which kept Luke Skywalker's role in the movie a complete secret. Here, you know Superman comes back. What you may not know is that he has been in a coffin for months and Lois Lane tells him he smells good after getting out of said coffin.

No, it cannot be. But it is that bad.

Martha Kent knows Bruce Wayne. She knows Bruce Wayne has some measure of remorse and guilt for Clark Kent's death. Yet she gets her farm foreclosed and has to pack up and move out. No Wayne Enterprises bailout for Martha.

No, it cannot be. But it is that bad.

Superman and Lois fly off after his revival and go to the house with a big "FORECLOSED BY BANK" sign in the front yard and they spend the night there. Mind you, they are not only able to get into the home, but apparently Lois finds a place to sleep even though we saw Martha drive off with all the furniture.

No, it cannot be. But it is that bad.

You can tell Josh Whedon came in later to rescue the film after a family tragedy forced Snyder off the project. How can you tell? Well there are lot of dumb jokes clearly inserted in reshoots. You can tell the jokes were inserted later and which scenes were reshot because the movie shifts from Zach Snyder gray to Marvel bright colors with a muted tone over them to downplay Whedon's rainbow brite vomit on the Snyder color palette of bleak and doom.

No, it cannot be. But it is that bad.

The movie makes no sense either. Somehow the bad guy is defeated by Gods, Atlantians, Amazons, and humans thousands of years ago, even though the bad guy has laser weapons and space ships and no one else does. Fast forward to the present and the bad guys still have the laser weapons and futuristic technology and the Atlantians and Amazons never bothered to get past bows and arrows.

The CGI is cheaply done. At times you aren't sure if you are watching a movie or a video game trailer from four years ago. It is noticeable and looks cheap. To paraphrase Dolly Parton, it looks like they spent a whole lot of money to look that cheap. Oh hey, another color palette shift. That got annoying and it exposed the CGI even more.

Then there is the basic plot. Batman has to build a team and wants Wonder Woman to lead it. The first third of the movie is just a series of vignettes, much like Batman vs. Superman. Here's Batman luring out a parademon by making someone scared. Here's random Russian family we are supposed to care about, but we know nothing about them other than that we are supposed to care about them. Here's Wonder Woman fighting off a group of terrorists who just want to die. Seriously, they intend to level four city blocks with a single brief case containing just a few bricks of C4 that, when it explodes, does nothing. It must be magic C4. Oh look, now we are at the racist skinheads harassing the muslim grocery store owner. Oh look, now we're at Bruce Wayne giving Aquaman a lecture on global warming and climate change. Oh look, now we have random action sequences. Oh hey Russian family. You're still alive.

Y'all, this movie is terrible. I keep seeing reviewers say this movie is between Wonder Woman and Batman vs. Superman on the scale of good to bad. But that's like saying something is between a chocolate chip cookie and a pile of poop. This is closer to the rectum end of the digestive system than it is to the chocolate chip cookie. To say this movie is better than Batman vs. Superman is to have pity sex with it because you feel sorry for it and want it to feel better about itself. But it is not worth degrading yourself to get in bed with. Reviewers are just doing this because Wonder Woman is in it the whole way through this time and Gal Gadot is the only competent person acting throughout the movie.

You may get actual brain damage going to see this movie it is that dumb and bad. And again, you really should be angry. DC has Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and all these other popular characters and this is the best they can do.

No, it cannot be. Sadly, it is and more. Bring back Christopher Nolan.