Review of Jurassic World (2015) by R7Critical — 18 Jun 2015

Mediocre monster movie set in a world where military veterans can't hit a 50 ft long target with a minigun and rocket blasts to said 50 ft target don't instantly turn it into crimson jelly.

While the (extensively used) CG is probably technically impressive and the film looks nice, there is no excuse for how stupid and creepy some of this film is.

Let's start with the creepy - the pterodactyl torture porn scene where the office assistant lady is picked up off the ground, dropped, caught in mid air, and then dunked in the water some 4-5 times before being eaten by a giant aquatic dinosaur. Disgusting. There was no need for a drawn out death scene for a character who honestly didn't do anything wrong in the movie, this wasn't comeuppance for some evil act, this was just straight up torture fetish filth. Even the big bad guy died in a covered up and nearly off-scene raptor attack. No excuse for this.

Okay let's get to the stupid, somehow supersaurus mega rex is able to cloak itself visually and from THERMAL cameras (how would it even know those existed come the hell on) and set a trap that fools a dinosaur trainer, it then gets stuck in the door of it's enclosure but rather than being choked out by the door closing mechanism, it manages to smash right through the reinforced concrete and metal gate that had been keeping it inside for how long with little to no effort?

Invinciblesaurus then plods through the park murdering dinosaurs not to eat but to kill kill kill, apparently someone spliced in some of the zodiac killer's genes or something because as far as I know none of the animals they claimed it had genes of were particularly serial-murdery.

Somehow ultramegasaurus KNOWS WHAT A TRACKING DEVICE IS and RIPS IT OUT OF IT'S OWN FLESH.

Trained dino-emergency trackers/hunters and their nine zillion tranquilizer rounds have no effect on big nasty megasaur, it shrugs it off and murders everyone in short order, even the guy blasting it in the face with a shotgun which somehow didn't even give it pause. I really don't care how many cuttlefish or frogs you splice something with it will STILL go down to the power of pharmaceuticals.

When freed from sealed aviary, pterodactyls/pterosaurs or whatever somehow FLEW, not glided from a cliff like you know, they did in real life. They decided instead of scattering like idiot birds would normally do they would immediately head for the humans, how they instantly knew where they were (miles away) was uh, birdosaur magic radar I guess.

Birdosaurs somehow flying AND lifting full grown adult humans into the air.

Oh yeah, Birdosaurs seeking out and attacking a noisy helicopter firing a minigun full on, you cannot tell me those animals would not have fled from something making such scary noises.

An island FULL of angry deadly dinosaurs and only one minigun and chopper, not even a combat chopper but a civilian chopper with a minigun mounted in the door. Clearly we can't afford those with all these dinosaur holograms and genetic disasters we made.

The aforementioned torture porn scene with the office lady also qualifies for stupid.

The entire ~trained raptors~ arc, and the evilbadman's stupid plan to use them as weapons, the supermegakillosaur being able to SPEAK RAPTOR and COMMUNICATE WITH THEM and then ORDER THEM TO TURN ON THEIR TRAINER AND ATTACK THE HUMANS. How many super powers does killosaurus drecks have so far? I lost count.

The raptors put aside their betrayal and help their daddy human man to fight the big bad supersaurus, who beats all four into the dirt while being peppered with rifle rounds by their trainer.

The T-rex and Raptor TAG TEAM DUO vs mega killosaur. COME ON THE RAPTOR RODE ON THE T-REX'S BACK FFS. Then after the giant crocodile thing eats the super killosaurus for the final blow, the T-rex and raptor exchange nods of approval and bugger off into the night.

Keep in mind the original movie had a CASCADE OF FAILURES happen to even allow the dinosaurs to ESCAPE in the first place. The storm, Nedry's computer virus, ALL of the dinosaurs getting loose at the same time, the park wasn't even complete or open or fully staffed. In this movie the park has been successful for something like seven years, but this ONE dinosaur they somehow gave superpowers to through the magic of cuttlefish and frog genes totally ruins everything.

FINAL VERDICT: Avoid this movie unless you can turn your brain off / you live with your brain turned off.