Review of Jurassic World (2015) by Tempestuousfork — 14 Jul 2015

It's absolute garbage.

Characters: They're all bad (sorry Chris Pratt, you're great in Parks and Recreation), and are difficult to relate to because they are all poorly-written and dumber than dumb. Constantly I found myself baffled at the choices characters made, which put themselves and others at risk for seemingly no payoff. It's impossible to relate to characters that make dumb decisions that the audience wouldn't make, even under pressure. They're not great, and the cliche portrayal of the female lead was not alleviated by a token show of strength (when she saved Chris Pratt), as she continues to whimper for most of the film. I hate to use the term "cardboard cut-outs," because it is so overused and here it really doesn't apply. The characters have clear motivations: Howard's is maintain profit and safety, Pratt's is protection of animals (which leads into a very corny message), and Military Dude Stereotype's is to militarise the raptors. It's just that they're so boring, and have been done so many times before. Also, no offence to the kids (and I understand that having them there is to include kids in the audience) but they seem to have caught the stupid virus, and constantly cause danger and put their lives at risk. People in Jurassic World have the self-preservation of Star Trek redshirts.

Product Placement: This is almost a deal-breaker for someone like me. It's cheap, and in a film marketed to children (yes, there were many in the cinema with us) it's just downright amoral. I saw Mercedes Benz cars everywhere, an obvious Coca Cola pitch with Chris Pratt (which looked as though cut straight from a commercial), and Samsung products up the arse: such as the "Samsung Innovation Centre." It feels like a complete cop-out.

Scares: Move along.

CG: Not very convincing, somehow less so than the first film. Very low standard, though with Chris Pratt in there, I'm not surprised how better graphics were not included in the budget (even with the countless product tie-in deals).

Story: Stuff happens, plays it safe and predictably. Pretty terrible message: environment good, science has gone too far, blah blah blah.

Overall: I enjoyed the film, especially taking the piss out of it with a friend. It's just so appallingly bad that it's sickly enjoyable, like a sweet pain. I'm being charitable with a 2/10, and if you want a better action film, see Mad Max Fury Road. If you want a better children's film, watch Inside Out. This film's sure not to win any awards (lest the good kind) and will be forgotten very quickly.