Review of Jurassic World (2015) by Meritcoba — 30 Sep 2015

'Just show some bleeding dinosaurs' someone must have shouted after the millionth rewrite of the script and so this movie is bucketful with cool looking cgi. I have no beef with cgi and the critters, small and large, look impressive for this day and age. Give me some more.

The MacGuffin is a mini Godzilla, a human created predator broken loose and on the prowl. Godzilla is a very smart cookie and possessed with the mentality of a rabid dingo on a blood drive, always an ideal combination for a predator the size of a small hill. It wants braaaiins..eh blood.. lots and lots and mostly human at that.

Godzilla is also blessed with various other advantages, such as being bullet proof and being provided with a 10000 mega whack density field, which makes living things increasingly more dense the closer they get to the big meat eater. Humans tend to behave in remarkably stupid ways when near the monster. Like there is this guy handling a gatling machinegun who fails to make proper use of it even though it should not be too hard to hit a thirty feet tall creature with it.. Also whenever anyone has a gun that he or she might shoot the big creature with, he or she forgets to use it or just misses the giant monstrosity.. and even whey they finally manage to hit it by firing lots and lots of bullets, they just bounce off the armored hide..

During the movie Godzilla realizes how pathetic the screaming hairless monkeys really are and tasks itself to end their suffering by biting their heads off. Make the pain go away! It must have thought, after it consulted the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) IV. It also manages to convince a bunch of raptors to assist it in its noble goal. And they even get assistance of a flock of flying dinosaurs who dutifully lift some of the hairless monkeys and toss them into a big basin where a huge whale like dinosaur has just finished eating a large white shark and appreciates the humans for afters.

Meanwhile there is a red haired profit oriented control freak, who is the female lead, who convinces the free spirited motor bike enthusiast dinosaur whisperer male lead to forgo a potential shag in his rickety-rackety outhouse so as to help her save some kids from being eaten by the nasty big thunder lizard. We can then witness the embarrassing trite acting of these two as the stuck up biatch mellows into pools filled with tear eyed admiration when the biker drives into the jungle accompanied by his raptor buddies to stop that big brute.

When the raptors betray his trust he has to high tail it out of there, but somewhat later the lizard whisperer convinces the raptors to become suicidal and attack Godzilla again. Which works as expected: killing the little buggers, until biatch incites a T-rex to stop Godzilla from eating the last one. Everyone tries to follow this big fight on their handhelds and mobiles, only to discover that at random moments they fail. What a bummer, they must have thought, but they can always buy the movie and watch this all over again.(And they are welcome to it).

Things get eaten and things get smashed to tiny bits as part of product placements. If you didn't already know it.: that car the biatch drives is a Mercedes and gets flattened in scene 3! And the shop that raptor Delta wrecks in scene 76 is Starbucks. And the undies lizard boy is stripping out of during the intimate scene with the red head, has a male name on the front, but that one is edited out because this movie is PG-13. The male lead does shag the female lead, but that is reserved for the producer's cut or the redux version that will hit Amazon in 2017. And the computer network that hampers communications is called SkyNet..oh wait.. that is from another movie.

The story thus far:

-something makes sense.. but let us call you when we find the right version of the script.

- there are some actors in there doing something, but they might have walked in from another movie and we call you when we figured this one out..

- we lost the very big lizard because it camouflaged itself, doesn't show up on our infrared sensors and it removed the transmitter from it's body so we can't pinpoint its exact position, but we inform you once we located it.

- that our phones don't work really, so we just drop by to talk to you about having a shag in the deprecated bungalow at a beach in Costa Rica..