Review of Jupiter Ascending (2015) by Matthew C — 08 Aug 2015

Umm...here are some of this movie's problems...

Unnecessarily-convoluted plot. There's way too much exposition. Not only is the story needlessly complicated, much of the politics and sci-fi garbage that is mind-numbingly explained, could just as easily be shown. Also, one big byproduct of this labyrinthine narrative is that many, more important -- or just glaring -- story points are simply never explained well enough or are unceremoniously dropped from the film altogether. Obviously, this adds further confusion for the audience.

Terrible dialogue. "I love dogs. I've always loved dogs." That line seems like it's supposed to be funny in a desperate kind of way, but the movie also seems to play it seriously. I, however, was just dumbfounded. Lost? Basically it's just another scene where the writers want the audience to believe that Kunis is smitten with this animal-spliced, alien-man (Channing) she's only just met. Beyond the many corny lines like this, there's tons of expositional dialogue that doesn't even attempt to sound natural...or like it's even spoken by real people.

Terrible characters and acting. Both Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum are horribly miscast as the two leads. Kunis is never taken aback by the sudden revelation of the existence of aliens. Tatum broods all the time and fails to transcend 'pretty boy' territory into believable 'action star.' When the movie forces them into coupling they have zero chemistry to boot.

This tedious "film" barrows heavily, even brazenly from a ton of other more successful, classic sci-fi films and stories. Besides the obvious Star Wars or Blade Runner references, there are even major attempts to inject the kind of intergalactic bureaucracy humor that make Hitchhiker's Guide and Brazil so memorable (director Terry Gilliam even has a cameo in one of these scenes). Nods and homages are nice and all, but the movie seems hell-bent on reminding its audience why it doesn't need to exist.

The visual effects are uneven. Some shots look fantastic and others look like something out of StarCraft. I'll admit that there are some fun action set-pieces with great visuals (though one of these ultimately turned me off by going way, way too long). There are even some design elements -- makeup, aliens, architecture, ect. -- that I appreciate. More often then not, however, these things look and feel derivative. There is precious little here that hasn't been seen before.

Finally, that NAME!! Some executive in an early meeting for this thing should've been like, "Umm...I'm sorry. We cannot call her 'Jupiter.' Not happening.".