Review of John Tucker Must Die (2006) by Markb. — 06 Aug 2006

A curious measurement of this failed romcom-with-deeper-aspirations' ineptitude is that although its female lead is completely miscast, at the end of the day this movie still proves itself to be completely unworthy of her.

Any actress who looks and sounds so much like she could pass for Sarah Michelle Gellar's little sister has no business playing the class wallflower, but Brittany Snow is nevertheless so likable and appealing as the girl who inspires and is the key player in a revenge plot against a three-timing jock (Jesse Metcalfe) that she completely transcends her material, which is admittedly not a Herculean task.

No, the movie doesn't have to be a pitch-black gem like Heathers in order to work on its own level, but would merely being one-tenth as good as Mean Girls, a movie that really had the courage of its convictions, have been too much to ask? Leaving aside for a moment the fact that the movie's only good gag (involving thong underwear) was in the preview (where it was much better edited) and that it features the cheesiest-looking high school I've ever seen in a release that didn't go straight to video, and that JENNY McCARTHY (!!) is called upon to deliver the Author's Message, John Tucker wimps out at every turn:it has the spine of the title characters of Snakes on a Plane and the balls of an overly progressive school that completely axed its P.

E. program. The frequently capable Betty Thomas (The Brady Bunch Movie, Private Parts) substitutes real comic bite with stupidly cruel jokes about maimed chem-lab partners and heartbroken waitresses, and wraps the whole sorry mess up with a let's-get-everybody-together-and-preach-at-them finale reminiscent of 1987's Can't Buy Me love, except in that case it at least came off as sincere and heartfelt while this is just.

..desperate. Speaking of which, if you're a 15-year-old girl (or maybe a gay man) whose main rationale for seeing this is to watch Metcalfe with his shirt off, why not just rent out and rewatch the entire first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD? Even at 16 hours plus, trust me.

..it'll seem shorter.