Review of Jingle All the Way (1996) by Dann M — 11 Dec 2013

What can I say about this gem that hasn't already been stated a thousand times, in a thousand different ways. In a word? Genius. In two words? Hella genius. I think this alone should suffice, but please let me elaborate.

The year was 1997. I was a ripe old age of 3, and Christmas was the reason for the season. My parents decided to show me this new film that was sweeping the nation by storm, entitled "Jingle All the Way". Little did we all know that history was about to be made.

An hour and a half later, my view on the holiday season, and in a way, the world, had been completely remolded in Sir Schwarzenegger's chiseled image. Now, let me explain specifically what makes this hallmark of film shine so brightly among the rest of the holiday classics, like "It's A Wonderful Life", and "White Christmas".

1.) Compelling characters. No matter your age, no matter your race, creed, sexual orientation, or other factors that you would think would limit your ability to connect with a white middle class man and his suburban struggles- you can intensely relate to our archetypal, flawed-yet-lovable protagonist Howard. Now, you may be quick to say that I am biased, as a white middle class male, but rest assured, I think even if I were a poor gay Korean man in the rural Orient, I would connect as much, if not more than, I do now. First off, we are introduced to Howard's profession- mattress salesman. Right off the bat, we identify with him. We all sleep, don't we? I believe this was intentional foresight on the part of Mr. Levant. And of course, we all relate to finding our sons the perfect gift for Christmas, especially as we all don't have the time we would like to show them how much we love them. Now I don't have a son, or a career that would keep me from him continually as Howard does, but I think I would act the same way if I were in his shoes. And lastly, we all have a smoking hot wife that despite her frustrations at our occasional inability to be there for her emotionally, sticks with us through thick and thin, because she knows we are there for her when it counts. Even in the face of terrible neighbors, who we can't decide if we like or want to see get coated in eggnog (foreshadowing?).

2.) Reindeers.

3.) Memorable lines that we can pass on to our own kids. "Put that cookie down! Now!" is such a gem, for multiple reasons. It is humorous, especially when spoken angrily, and in an Austrian accent. But it also sheds light on the frustrations of the middle class in the modern age, at being unable to be everywhere at once, and do all the things we think we need to, in order to please all our loved ones. Also, the harrowing line of a trampled Sinbad "Rodney King...! Rodney King...!" gut-wrenchingly reminds us of police brutality that burned L.A. to the ground, a mere 3 years prior to the release of this film.

4.) Smoking hot wife (see above).

5.) Perhaps the most memorable climactic fistfight/jetpack maneuvering seen in a Christmas movie to date.

All in all, JATW is nothing short of a modern classic, sure to be hailed by later generations as a watermark film, just as we consider "Citizen Kane" to be now.