Review of Jaws 3-D (1983) by Michael G — 25 Jan 2011

Jaws 3, People 0 was the original title for the tragedy, better known as Jaws 3-D. It was actually planned as a comedy to parody the earlier movies in the series. But somewhere down the line the studios changed their mind. Too bad, because this movie is so bad, it actually is a comedy. And it was this wonderful movie that started off Dennis Quaid's career.

The story tells about the continuing adventures of the Brody family and their tagalong shark. Except this time, the main characters are the children of the family. And according to the studio description, it's the great white shark that survived (I don't know how) the second movie, that is on their tail. But now the shark comes with child and is a threat at Sea World, where the Brodys are at. Honestly, this movie totally stinks and is as far away from the genius of the original as can be. It deserves a big 0. Still, the movie is so bad that it is halarious, and I can't imagine it was not intended as a comedy.

We never actually see the shark(s) attack anyone. Several times I was hoping it would. Actually, I was almost begging it; please bite someone! But this shark seems to not only have a sense of humor, but is blind too. For example: In one scene, Dennis Quaid yells "get out of the water! Shark in the water!" At this point in the film, no shark has been sighted yet. The shark itself wakes up and says "shark? where?" The shark comes up to the top of the water, notices waterskiers, speeds up to them and tags along right behind, probably wanting to be part of the team. The waterskiers notice the playful fish, panic, and fall down all over the place. This is where fishy could have a huge smorgasbord, yay! But no, fishy is bored, so it decides to play over by the bumperboats instead. Lea Thompson get bumped, receives a huge cut, starts bleeding, and again people are swimming all over the place. The shark is bored yet again, not to mention half asleap, so it swims off to an underwater tunnel and bumps into it several times (probably trying to wake up) causing leakage and panic.

How do you even categorize or criticize this film? First a blind shark that seems to swim up to its victims, but instead of attacking, smiles, says "hi" and then wants to play. But if the people don't want to play, the shark may growl (literally) and play tag instead. And when you have a character that has just escaped the flooding of the underwater tunnel who then turns around, starts running back yelling "I need my wallet!", you know you can't take it seriously. I also read that there was a risk that Roy Scheider was going to be brought into this movie. He made sure that he was going to be busy filming "Blue Thunder" instead, so there was no risk that he would be part of this "masterpiece".

For some reason, Jaws3-D also inspired me to sing these lyrics to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song:

Here's a story, about two kids named Brody.

Who had problems with two big sharks of their own.

They were cursed to star in the film.

That sucked completely.

Another chapter of the tragic Brody Bunch.

This movie looks like something a group of flunking students in movie production class put together with bad props, cheesy special effects and under the leadership of Ed Wood. I would actually watch it again because I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. I still wonder how in the world they got oscar winning actor Louis Gossett Jr. and oscar winning composer Alan Parker to even consider being a part of it.

For those of you who want something to laugh at, you'll enjoy this. But for those who want a good movie, run away! Far far away!