Review of Jack & Diane (2012) by Doctor S — 05 Nov 2012

Unforgivably empty teen lesbian romance that keeps hinting at a percolating tension beneath the surface getting ready to erupt with ominous music cues, a monster, and very bizarre visual themes, but those turn out to be nothing more than a maddeningly unsatisfying tease. The bulk of the movie consists of nothing more than overlong takes, dull conversations, and pointless incidents at every turn. I want to wring the neck of a director who bilks talent like Juno Temple and a name like Kylie Minogue into appearing in their self-indulgent crap for absolutely zero cinematic return. What a shameful abuse of both their willingness and our time. Riley Keough got to kiss them both, so maybe for her alone the experience wasn't a total loss.

I could gaze at the strikingly unique face, untamed hair, and innocent expressions of Juno Temple for hours, so that's the sole reason this waste gets one star instead of rock bottom. Unless you're a completely incurable Juno junkie, please please PLEASE do yourself a favor and spend those spare 100 minutes by doing anything else. Seriously, this movie was such a letdown by failing to deliver ANY sort of entertainment or provoke ANY kind of emotional response that I had to watch another movie immediately after it was over to jump-start my inert central nervous system. THAT'S how big a failure it is.