Review of Iron Jawed Angels (2004) by Mr. J — 05 Mar 2006

Well, you see what happened is that my cousin came over today and she told me some cock and bull story about how she was feeling bad because her Aunt Flo came over. I know thats phony bologna because we're related and we don't have an Aunt Flo. So I called her a liar and she said to shut it and make her pickles and peanut butter, so I did. She started watching the Lifetime Network and made me watch it with her as I fed her pickles and peanut butter and rubbed her feet. She has yellowy nails. She said that when Aunt Flo comes over, she likes Lifetime and reruns of [i]Benson[/i] because she thinks that Rene Auberjonois is sexy.

Anyway, as we were watching Lifetime, this movie came on called [i]Iron Jawed Angles[/i] and let me tell you - WHAT A JOY RIDE! This movies stars Hillary Swank, who starred in [i]Karate Kid IV: Miagi's Revenge: Live or Die?: DIE![/i]. It's about this team of all female superheroes that call themselves the IRON JAWED ANGLES because they all have metal teeth and can bite through a can as easily as a tomato. This movie was made in response to the other big movie [i]Charlie has Angels[/i]. You know how sometimes movie compaines make similar movies to battle against one another? You know how there was [i]Finding Nemo[/i] and then the other company made [i]Will Smith's Fish Story[/i]? Then there was [i]American's Pie[/i] and then another company came out with [i]American's Pie II: More Pie?[/i] Well, this is the same kind of deal - [i]Iron Jawed Angles [/i]and [i]Charlie has Angels[/i].

So, in this movie, these girls have to battle the President of USA because he's running the Shawshank prison and he's making people eat eggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then, for the prisoners who like the eggs, they are forced to stand out in the cold in front of the White House until they go to the prison boss, "Golly, I don't think I want eggs anymore." But this is a violation of the Magna Carta so the IRON JAWED ANGLES storm into action. Hillary Swank, besides having metal teeth, has the ability to sew, so when the bad guys come after her, she knits a gun and smokes them. Then there's this red-head (she was also in [i]King Kong[/i]) who has the ability to shoot ice pelets from the webbing in her hands. She gets caught and then force her to wear mittens which renders her powerless.

Now, this movie is full of fight scenes and battles, and I won't give anything away - but let's just say that Hillary Swank's metal teeth take care of Shawshank prison thanks to the kindly advice of Samuel L. Freeman. I give this movie a B+EXTRA because it might be the best movie I ever saw. My cousin gives it a B as well, but she kept missing parts to go to the bathroom. She was in there constantly but I never heard her flush once - she is a filthy pig.