Review of I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998) by Brittany R — 29 Nov 2011

(1 Star) I'll Be Home For Christmas joins Christmas with the Kranks and Deck the Halls as some of the worst Christmas movies ever made, being unenjoyable and batsh*t stupid on a massive scale. It's not like Jingle All The Way or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, where you have fun with its badness.

.. I'll Be Home For Christmas is pain with a capital P. I have to compliment the movie's many uses of coincidence as a way to keep you watching just to see how much lower it can go. Jake (Jonathon Taylor Thomas in a Disney movie, no doubt cast due to runaway hit The Santa Clause) is unlikable because his intention to get home for Christmas is selfish: if he makes it home in time for dinner on Christmas Eve, he gets a sexy red Porsche.

Even though you know he's not going to end up with it because it's a Christmas movie about a selfish person changing his ways (not much of a spoiler there), you still hate him because he's an egocentric smooth talker the rest of the movie.

Everything about the Planes, Trains and Automobiles plot seems like a blatant setup to a comedy bit; first he's hitchhiking with a bunch of old ladies, then he's delivering presents at a hospital with somebody with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, then he's running a marathon with other people dressed as Santa.

.. none of these events are connected and the amount of times he sees his girlfriend (Jessica Biel) on the ROAD TRIP ACROSS AMERICA is absurd. This is a PG movie that shouldn't have been rated PG; there are language and innuendos that aren't appropriate (or funny) for anyone.

So should you see I'll Be Home For Christmas because it's bad beyond belief? NO! Waste your time on bad Christmas movies that entertain rather than infuriate... or I dunno, good Christmas movies work too.