Review of Ice Spiders (2007) by Ray C — 25 Jun 2008

Large spiders eating a bunch of ski bums.

Where's the problem?

Well, the problem comes from the overstatement made by the DVD cover and the back of the box. The words "giant spiders" were used, and the box boasts an arachnid the size of a house stalking a skier.

By the way, I used the word arachnid, a word no one in the movie ever utilized. I'm smarter than the movie.

Anyway, the movie promises giant spiders, but what it gives us is slightly-large spiders. Admittedly, you can't really bill a movie on slightly-large spiders. Just look what happened to ARACHNIPHOBIA. So, ICE SPIDERS gives us spiders the size of dogs, and people freak out and get eaten.

If one can ever truly get eaten by a cartoony CGI.

So, there's this military base, right, and it's been commissioned to grow slightly-large spiders for the purpose of a docile defensive program wherein spider silk is utilized to make a hap-hap-happier world for us all. Well, some putz fills the need for greed and the spiders size is dramatically increased, by a few inches, and terror breaks out on the slopes.

You buy this?

Well, you have to, because that is the backdrop given for the worlds greatest titanium-legged raspy-voiced, ex-marine ski-bum hero: Dan 'Dash' Dashiell, played by the vaguely familiar looking Patrick Muldoon. Can Dash face off against hordes of slightly-large spiders? Like he was born to it. Can he kill one with the head of a deer? Without a second thought. Can he act like a dip-shit stoner who everyone, even the military, places their complete trust and safety upon? For a whole 90 minutes.

Dash is awesome. I want to see Dash fight other slightly large monsters where skiing is a neccessary backdrop. I want to see him take on the Slightly-large Bunnies on the Bunny Slope. I want to see Dash fight Slightly-largeFoot in the Rockies. I want him to fight the Slightly-large Ness Monster on the open Loch.

Another cast member is Vanessa Williams. Now, don't be confused. This Vanessa Williams is not Vanessa Williams. She's Vanessa Williams. Yeah, I know. I was let down, too. But, considering I've always been let down by Vanessa Williams, the feeling was the same.

No one else is worth mentioning. Hell, I don't think they had names. If they did, I ignored them in hopes that they would soon have their mid-sections dissolved or legs eaten (Spiders are fond of legs). Unfortunately, most of the people who deserved it never got it.

But, despite all of the death and chaos, Dash hooked up with Vanessa Williams.

What more could we hope for?