Review of I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) by Becca E — 13 Dec 2009

It's a good thing someone loves Beth Cooper, because surely no one who actually watches the movie will. I saw it a week ago and already have trouble remembering it. Here's what I do remember - the film has only one saving grace, and that's how adorable Hayden Panethierhecnalg is (fuck, I hate her last name). She's cute. She's really hot. She shows side boob, and to top it all off...she actually gives a decent performance here. Oh, her character is a manipulative monster. But give her kudo's for attempting to inject this wretched thing with some humanity, and the movie even almost redeems itself a little by tackling the romance in a realistic fashion near the end. So it's not all bad. Just mostly.

My theory about I Love You Beth Cooper is as follows. The writer adapted his book into a screenplay, and was quite proud. At the same time, he was writing another script, which wasn't a feel good teenage comedy, but instead a film about killer robots who chase everyone around and just be massive douchebags. He wrote both, then walked to the studio executive's office to hand them in...but on the way there, he tripped and all the pages fell in together. In a rushed effort at saving himself from embarassment, he grabbed all the pieces of paper he could find and shoved them in together, and luckily the exec didn't notice. So during one scene, we can have a nerdy geek and a beautiful popular girl share stories, thoughts, and fall for each other, and then in the next scene we can have three body builders act like Christian Bale and tear everything up. Seriously - who the fuck thought the character of Beth Cooper's boy toy was a good idea? He throws things into walls, he chases, he beats up, he screams, he yells, he punches, he threatens, he speaks in a growly voice that sounds like Batman...in short, he belongs in a completely different movie. A worse one. Which is saying a lot.

If these terrible characters didn't exist, there might have been some salvation for this film. But it still would have been a long shot. All the other characters are cardboard cutouts (most offensively, the movie nerd doesn't even get his own shit right - when he talks about Casablanca, he does a Jimmy Stewart impression instead of the Boges). The plot goes nowhere...it tries to be a Dazed and Confused "come of age within one night" kind of thing, but when the characters try to tip over a cow and step in manure, you sort of lose your credibility with that kind of thing. Credibility and realism in general is something avoided in this flick - the stuff Beth Cooper does, which includes grand theft auto, destruction of property, driving an SUV through the walls of a mansion, and toying with a young boy's heart (ho ho), would throw her in prison, not a cozy cottage out by the lake. There are honestly scenes and actions and dialogue so mind-numbingly stupid that you will be stunned. And the director did the first two Harry Potter movies, by the way (which also weren't good, but at least it shows he's not completely inept).

Long story short - don't see I Love You Beth Cooper. I know most of you didn't in theatres, but you might be thinking "She's really cute, let's download it and see". No. Stop. Download a picture of Hayden instead and just stare at it for a couple hours. You'll have a better time. Trust me.