Review of Horrors of Spider Island (1960) by Paul P — 07 Jun 2007

Mein Gott! It's a Puppet!! :=8O.

Attention, Dumbkopf, prepare yourselves for Horrors of Spider Island!!!

(Nein!! :=8O ).

SEE: A gaggle of giggling bimbos lounge around in their underware and bikinis!

THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND!!! :=8O.

SEE: The very same gaggle of giggling jigglers cat fight over men and lipstick!

THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND!!! :=8O.

SEE: A hairy, greasy, shirtless guy get bit by a spider puppet, and INSTANTLY transform into a hairy, greasy shirtless guy with 3 TEETH AND A CLAW!!!

THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND!!! :=8O.

SEE: Film production at its lowest, including wretched performances, ham-handed direction, dim lighting, and the cheapest fx this side of "Mesa of Lost Women"!

THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND!!! :=8O.

Yes, straight from der Faderland comes this rousing, lurid tale of tragedy and survival on a tropical island...yeah, right. :=8P.

In which a parcel of "American" dancers do their dog-and-pony routine for a greasy talent manager, who ships them all off to Singapore. On the way, the plane bursts into flames and crashes into the ocean. Unlike, say, REALITY, everyone manages to survive the flaming cataclysm, and ends up floating about the Pacific in a rubber dingy. The girls sob, their manager, Gary, yells at them a lot, and then they land on SPIDER ISLAND - so-named because it is populated by...a single, pitiful spider puppet. The puppet makes fake-looking webs out of clothes-line, and pounces on the first human who wanders into the foliage. The puppet's bite instantly transforms you into a slavering, mindless semi-spider(mooch like the reaction the MooCow gets after eating something with MSG...). Sooo, Gary gets bit, sprouts a bit of extra hair, a la Michael Landon in "Teenage Werewolf", and immediately throttles the nearest bimbo. Of course, you might too, cowsidering these hoofers are as dumb as a bag of cow bells. They lounge about incessantly, whine, and fight over tiny bits of make-up. Needless to say, not a mooment's thought was given to the creation of their characters. In fact, this film's portrayal of women borders on the misogynistic. :=8P.

Fritz Bottger is the war criminal responsible for writing and directing this torture device of a moovie: of the many 2nd-rate German B-flicks he made, this was his Uberflick. There's no one else here of any note(thankfully for them), although the sharp-eyed will remember Gary, played by Alexander D'arcy, from such winners as "The Blood on Dracula's Castle", "Way...Way Out", and "A Dead Pigeon on Beethoven Street". Speaking of dead pigeons, this film has about as mooch charm. The MooCow says if you can survive "The Horrors of Spider Island", then you are clearly one of the Master Race, 'cause this flick isn't just a dog - it's a Schnouser!!

:=8P.