Review of Highlander (1986) by Jonathan S — 26 Mar 2011

The BMS team watch: Highlander.

So we just finished watching the original â~Highlanderâ(TM) film, and yes I know this film is considered a cult classic, but letâ(TM)s take a moment to think of those words âcult classicâ?. The popular definition of a cult classic is a rather bad movie that over the years gained a rather large, mainstream following...quite often for no reason other than how nutoriously bad it was; a few films included in this definition are â~Attack of the Killer Tomatoesâ(TM), â~The Dentistâ(TM), â~The Unnameableâ(TM) and even â~Troll 2â(TM)...all Iâ(TM)m saying is that if youâ(TM)re going to try and defend a film by calling it a cult classic, you may as well just hand me a loaded shotgun.

So now that I have that off my chest, letâ(TM)s move on and see what fate has in store for us regarding â~Highlanderâ(TM)...well actually this movie opens rather sweetly, is that? Yes! The opening credits roll and itâ(TM)s accompanied by the original Queen track, written for this film, â~Prince of the Universeâ(TM). I was excited when I heard this, damn which self respecting male wouldnâ(TM)t be?! An awesome song by an awesome band, all our male guests were singing along, playing their invisible instruments...I guess we should probably apologize to the girls for doing that in front of them, please donâ(TM)t judge us. Of course, most unfortunately, this song couldnâ(TM)t last forever and we move into a wrestling arena, where some guys in really gross red Speedos proceed....well by doing what wrestlers do; why do people watch wresting again (asks the guy whoâ(TM)s never missed a Bad Movie Sunday). We were kind of curious how they pulled off the panning shot across the crowd though, and somebody...Iâ(TM)m thinking it was Ruben...suggested a helicopter, well right my friend was, how do we know this? because the sounds of the helicopter can be heard as clearly as the voices of the idiots watching the match. The camera pans through the crowd and stops on the face of the infamous Highlander himself, aka Connor Macleod, played by Christopher Lambert...I have an issue with this actor, Iâ(TM)ve seen him in a few things before, â~Mortal Kombat,â(TM) â~Knight Movesâ(TM), â~Highlander 2: The Quickeningâ(TM) (the movie we actually should have been watching) - this actor only has one look! No really, he always wears that same emo, I take myself way to seriously face; thereâ(TM)s actually one scene in this film, where he and Sean Connery are doing kind of a â~Rocky 3â(TM) montage and theyâ(TM)re running across the beach, and having just learnt he can telepathically sense deer, Lambert attempts a smile for the first time in his career...but itâ(TM)s so embarrassing, and awkward, kind of like that scene in general. And thatâ(TM)s not the only scene in this film thatâ(TM)s awkward to watch: throughout the film we cut back, a couple of hundred years, I forget how many exactly, but we get flashbacks of Macleodâ(TM)s time in Scotland; while fighting in some Scottish battle, and Macleodâ(TM)s army getâ(TM)s their asses kicked btw, but Macleod takes a sword through his chest and miraculously survives, convincing his kinsman that he has the devil inside him and the obvious next thing for them to do is to kill him. Well itâ(TM)s good to know that in Scotland, should you survive some great accident you can at least count on your friends to make sure you wonâ(TM)t be making that mistake again. Still the way the whole scene plays out is pretty bad, itâ(TM)s kind of like in â~Passion of the Christâ(TM) where heâ(TM)s carrying a pole over his shoulders and everyoneâ(TM)s throwing him with things; poor Macleod, but at least for once his emo facial expressions seemed vaguely appropriate. So his kinsman decide to let him live but they banish him from his homeland, which seems to work out okay as he goes and finds himself a rather pretty looking wench and even builds himself a castle. The time cut here doesnâ(TM)t really work either, as it all happens in about 18 seconds and itâ(TM)s kind of hard to follow, but while weâ(TM)re on the topic of the castle: now I know that Connor Macleod is constantly portrayed as rather mediocre in just about everything he tries...be it intentional or unintentional Iâ(TM)m not really sure, but if you build a castle and seemingly just pack the rocks on top of each other, with absolutely no sustainability whatsoever, well youâ(TM)re not only playing games with your own life. Really Iâ(TM)m kidding, but Iâ(TM)m not, Sean Conneryâ(TM)s character, Ramirez, is attacked by the Kurgan, and after sharing their usual dialogue of âthere can be only oneâ? they embark in a sword dual, whenever these guys just so much as touch the wall, half of it simply falls apart...what the hell guys?! I know from a special effects point of view this may look okay, but just take a moment and think about what youâ(TM)re asking us to believe. I also love the way that after Ramirez cuts a hole in the Kurganâ(TM)s neck, that for the following centuries the best solution he can possibly come up with is stapling the cut back together. I guess I should explain a bit about the Kurgan: actually thereâ(TM)s really not much to tell, like Macleod and Ramirez heâ(TM)s immortal, but as itâ(TM)s never really clearly explained where any of these immortals came from, we know about as much of his back story as we knew of Freddyâ(TM)s return in â~Nightmare on Elm Street 5â(TM). He is however the soldier who stabbed Macleod in the Scottish battle, and like all the others he is on a rampage to kill all the other immortals so that he can win âthe prizeâ?. The prize by the way is gaining all the knowledge in the world so that you may control planet Earth, which is probably the reason the other immortals donâ(TM)t want the Kurgan to have it, as he does seem to have some rather cruel motives, also he is kind of a jerk, but Iâ(TM)ll say that about anybody who decapitates Sean Connery. Sean Conneryâ(TM)s character in this film is kind of weird to...Iâ(TM)m not going to get into the whole â~Highlander 2â(TM) Zeist storyline, because we all know these two films completely contradict each other, but what really bothers me is why Ramirez goes to all the trouble of tracking down Macleod, training him to become this fantastic soldier...if eventually they both know theyâ(TM)ll have to kill each other anyway. Wouldnâ(TM)t his chances of winning that fight be better if he doesnâ(TM)t first teach his opponent everything he knows? Well thatâ(TM)s just what I think. Still their training does lead to one really funny scene where Ramirez finally convinces Macleod heâ(TM)s immortal by throwing him into the river, proving that he canâ(TM)t drown; I just love the way he pulls out his sword and starts randomly cutting up underwater seaweed â" what does he think the term âthere can be only oneâ? counts for plant life as well? But at least this scene wasnâ(TM)t accompanied by another track from Queen, yes I know that sounds completely contradictory, but come on, as much as I love Queen and I loved the opening credits â" they completely overuse Queen in this soundtrack. Itâ(TM)s like â~Knightâ(TM)s Taleâ(TM) using the Queen soundtrack for jousting - well actually that was kind of okay, but here: thereâ(TM)s just something weird about listening to a rock soundtrack in a 16th Century setting; kind of like them drinking wine from a bottle, we were debating that, did glass exist in the 16th century? Okay but enough with bloody Scotland in the 16th century, enough! Letâ(TM)s catch up to Macleod in the modern times, he works as an antique dealer now, did I mention that? Anyway, following the wrestling match Macleod decapitates another immortal and leaves the body there for everyone to see and flees the scene where heâ(TM)s almost immediately arrested. Luckily him caught fleeing from the scene, with his finger prints on the murder weapon and him having instant access and knowledge of such weapons isnâ(TM)t enough to hold him for longer than a few minutes, so heâ(TM)s released and starts casually stalking Roxanne Hart...who is a sword expert, working for the FBI forensicsâ(TM) department, who I guess has a division for people murdered in a 16th century manner...I have no idea. Anyway after rejecting Macleodâ(TM)s offer to walk her home, she simply starts stalking him instead and witnesses a battle between him and the Kurgan; I just love Macleodâ(TM)s reaction after seeing that she followed him âDonâ(TM)t ever follow me again!â? man I love that, this guyâ(TM)s on his way to getting laid big time...uhm guys I was being sarcastic, you donâ(TM)t actually have to, okay fine go ahead...actually this sceneâ(TM)s kind of hardcore, how did they get that through? Iâ(TM)m sorry, a rather graphic sex scene wouldnâ(TM)t usually bother me, but when you make a movie with a script that wouldnâ(TM)t really appeal much to anyone over the age of 12, this just seems like a rather desperate attempt to reel in a different kind of audience; that seemed to be the only reason for the wrestling scene as well. Well anyway, Iâ(TM)m going to start rapping up here, so Iâ(TM)ll give you the rest of the film in a nutshell, Macleod is attacked...again....by the Kurgan, and then again...so they fight on top of a huge skyscraper, Roxanne Hartâ(TM)s character is caught in the crossfire and falls from the skyscraper, but miraculously hits the ground unharmed. The two immortals continue their battle in water and then fall through to...well nothing; they mention a few times that there can be only one and finally the Kurgan is made to be considerably shorter when his head is detached from the rest of his body. Macleod wins the prize, and thereâ(TM)s this ridiculous animation type scene as he gains the power...I especially love the Hydra type things that come at him, really looking like theyâ(TM)re going to eat him; also they donâ(TM)t even attempt to hide the fact that Macleod is being kept in the air via cables, we see the cables at least 16 times...thatâ(TM)s got to be some sort of record. Anyway thatâ(TM)s my review of â~Highlanderâ(TM) not as bad as some of the other things weâ(TM)ve watched on this show, definitely not as bad as â~Killer Nerdâ(TM)...but I hear â~Highlander 2â(TM) does qualify, so Iâ(TM)ll just have to keep my eyes open for that one.