Review of Hercules in New York (1970) by Joseph K — 17 Aug 2009

Every now and then, we come across a movie that is so bad, so dumb, so pointless that it's actually funny. Hercules In New York (AKA "Hercules Goes Bananas" in some markets) is such a film. Yes, this is Arnold's first movie, dating all the way back to 1975. His accent was so thick at the time that they had to have a voice actor dubbed over him. This means the first time you see it, you hear a voice that is most definigely not AHNOLD and that is just wrong. Thankfully, the DVD allows you to hear him struggle through English, just as he should, with classic lines like "Eez a fien chariet but vheeraahzeeehoses?" Strangely enough, the original release of this film also credited Arnold Schwarzenegger as "Arnold Strong" (apperently, the guy typing the credits wasn't told how to spell his name). This film was made back during Arnold's professional bodybuilding days, so the dude is ridiculously cut. As for the plot of the film itself, here is the deal:

Hercules is bored on Mt. Olympus. He begs Zeus, to allow him to go to earth and visit the mortals. The rest of the movie involves Hercules beating up anyone who doesn't recognize him as a demigod, especially the man in the bear suit. Apparently, bear suit wearing muggers are common in central park. With all of the fights going on, Hercules has time to get a girlfriend and is insulted by a "Hercules VS Godzilla" movie poster. He even finds some Olympic hopefuls and teaches them the proper method of the discus and javelin, because "Ieee campeeteeed in da oleeempicz!" Unfortunately, Herc gets in some trouble and Zeus has to send the other Greek gods down to help, including Samson. This makes little sense, because Samson is a character from the Judeao/Christian tradition, not Greek. Also, Samson was a mortal with superhuman strength, not a demigod. In any case, giving away the plot really isn't that big a deal for a movie like this. It's really bad, but really funny at the same time.