Review of Hercules in New York (1970) by Spencer S — 14 Jul 2011

For those of you who haven't been exposed to Arnold Schwarzenegger's debut film . . . well, you're missing out. Yes, it's one of those that fall in line with the "so bad it's good" category. Admittedly, a film like this is a hard one to rate. The film's pretty hilarious through and through. First off, you can barely understand what Arnold is saying half the time. If you're one of those of the immature variety who get a chuckle out of doing an Ah-nuld impersonation (I know I am!), then this movie is for you.

As the story goes, Hercules is chilling out on Mt. Olympus . . . which oddly enough seems like a New York park (listen carefully and you can hear crowd noises and traffic), and Herc decides that's he fucking bored. I can see why, what with the selection of women up there. Zeus doesn't approve of this ignorance, tosses one of his lightning bolts that equate to a hand grenade and bickity bam, Herc ends up in New York.

The film spends the remainder of its run time putting him in zany situations! He also befriends an old Jewish man by the name of Pretzie (because he sells pretzels . . . .yeah). He's annoying, and he's Jewish. Did I mention that he's Jewish? Well, the film will about a dozen times, just in case you didn't pick up on it. Pretzie is one annoying mother fucker. He makes Jar Jar Binks look like Orson Welles. The man talks out of his ass, steals, and never gives. He's dishonorable and a little bitch. But apparently the screenwriter thought it would be funny to pair this little guy up with a demigod, so there ya go.

There's some half-assed plot about taking away Herc's power, and him losing a test of strength against another body builder, but the movie's just filled to the brim with sight gags that test Herc's strength (and your patience). It's all pretty fucking funny though, and you haven't seen the best of Arnold until you see him beat down a fucking bear. A. FUCKING. BEAR. It's as hilarious as it sounds.

Arnold's bad here, but so is everyone else. There's a lot of bad acting and some lines that should have you rolling on the floor, if you're into this sort of thing. For me, it's always been a great flick to throw on during a late night with your friends. I award this flick a 2/10. A point for each one of Arnold's chest-icles.