Review of Hell Ride (2008) by Hang O — 10 Sep 2008

Picture Reservoir Dogs on motorcycles and without Tarantino. Sounds like it would suck right? But it has Vinnie Jones... and Dennis Hopper.... and Michael Madsen wearing a ridiculous shirt! Well I want you to picture your favourite Tarantino movie, now I want you to picture someone else remaking it and fucking it up. Now I want you to picture that movie being Hell Ride (it isn't a remake but it feels like a dirty dirty remake anyways).

It's got all the carnage and self importance of a Tarantino flick but without any of the style. The perfect way to describe it is the writer/director sat down with Tarantino at a bar and after a few drinks he gets Tarantino starts explaining his idea for a new movie. He then erases his memory and does the movie himself, throwing caution and dialog to the wind and flying by the suit of his pants (which are terrible terrible pants).

How Tarantino decided to executive produce this is beyond me. Someone must have forged his signature on some documents or bribed him or given him some fantastic head. It started to pull a little more weight closer to the end, maybe even grow on you a little but that's too little too late. A group of guys got together one day, decided to make a movie, shot it 5 minutes later, cut it in 20 minutes and then sent it to the studio for a relase after holding Quintin Tarantino hostage so that the studio would go through with releasing it.

Let me sum the movie up for you so you don't have to go see it. There are a bunch of confusing flashes forward and backward in time, then a bunch of bikers get drunk and a lot of naked, horny women are on the screen. Then some people die, you see Dennis Hopper, a bunch of other people die. People get shot with a crossbow, Vinnie Jones shows up, boom that guy is that other guys father and everyone goes riding off into the sunset. Don't watch it.