Review of Haywire (2011) by Nathaniel B — 09 Jul 2012

I am surprised so many liked this movie. I am surprised anyone liked this movie. It was awful, through and through. Gina Carano is aggravatingly bad in every scene where she has to be anything but a mindless killing machine.

She is the worst leading actress I have ever seen and that's really saying something. This movie not only lets down its extraordinary supporting cast though, it lets down its audience immensely. From the marketing, artwork, and general feel of the movie, I was expecting some violent revenge flick with little intelligence, but with some amount of class and amiability.

This is an "action-thriller", it does not have to make any points or really do much but excite the audience. It never excited me once. The action scenes were some of the dullest parts of this incredibly disappointing wreck.

The hand-to-hand combat was laughable and unnecessary every time it rudely interjected itself into the poorly written and quite boring screenplay. In almost all cases, if the characters hadn't gone the route of long and drawn out fighting instead of, perhaps, a bullet in the head or a snapped neck, the movie would have been much shorter, and in many ways, much more satisfying.

The characters were poorly done and uninteresting for the most part as well. The screenplay, as I mentioned, was needlessly elaborate as well, bouncing from timeline to timeline to tell a simple story that just isn't that interesting.

The film played like an arena fight, with the laughably mechanic Mallory Kane making mincemeat of opponent after opponent with unpleasant brutality and poorly written, terribly delivered lines. The movie was just uninteresting and not exciting.

The action was so wooden and simply unexciting that I question the classification of "action-thriller" is appropriate. I expected fun. I expected entertainment. I expected something more, but not much more, than an action flick.

With Soderbergh directing, I thought it would have some humor as well. It was none of these things. It was boring, unexciting, and wholly unsatisfying. I didn't pay to view this movie, but I find myself wanting my money back.

Hollywood, and furthermore, the World, ban Gina Carano from ever ruining movies and humiliating herself like this on screen again, make sure boring, implausible revenge flicks are marketed as such, and never let a brilliant supporting cast be led by a completely incompetent person ever again.

Otherwise, we will see more movies like this. And I hope we never, ever, have to.