Review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) by Kat C — 15 Sep 2013

This should have been called "Hawkeye & Cleavage: Script Hunters." It's a poorly written, needlessly gory CGI fest that does not succeed as an updated homage, an amusing parody, or a just-for-fun action flick.

I like action films with cool fight sequences as much as the next person, but I like the steps leading up to said action to make sense. Hansel and Gretel's hunting methods, which seem to involve spouting lines that attempt to be pithy after busting down a door rather than shooting the witch on sight makes me wonder how they ever survived long enough to become adults.

Their steam-punk technology is highly anachronistic, considering everything else in this world is medieval and neither Hansel nor Gretel show any sign of being mechanical geniuses. They also spend way too much time being beaten into a bloody pulp after very long, boring fight scenes that could have been avoided if they used their brains and actually hunted with some stealth.

(These witches are supposed to be super-badass, after all....right? Right? No....not really.) Being immune to witch magic doesn't help prevent ruptured internal organs. The witches have some interesting costumes, but the look reminds me too much of a goth/steampunk cosplay mashup for me to take seriously.

They also spend far too much time making speeches over prone bodies rather than actually finishing off the hunters when they have a chance. Add in the needless gore (a man exploding from being forced to eat worms, witches being shredded be razor wire, a man forced to shoot himself with a shotgun, and even a Gatling gun, among many other grievances) make it unsuitable for a more casual fun action film, rendering it sick or ridiculous, depending on how well you handle blood.

The few glimmers of promise, such as the source of Hansel and Gretel's immunity to witches are subsumed by the low quality of the script that favors doing things because they look cool over doing things that make sense (but could still be cool.

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