Review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) by Jenilyn A — 05 Jan 2014

One line summary: A poor film despite an interesting plot idea and veteran actors.

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Hansel and Gretel are told to wait in the woods by their father. He does not come back. They investigate a candy house, are captured by a hideous witch, and manage to kill her and escape instead of being eaten.

As they grow older, they save captured children, and kill offending witches. This goes on into their adulthood. They have reputations and expertise, and their services come at a price.

The film moves forward to the 'present' when Hansel and Gretel are adults. In the German village of Augsburg, children are missing and Mina is accused of witchcraft by Sheriff Berringer. He starts the rituals to prove she is a witch. In this case, drowning: if Mina drowns, she's not a witch; otherwise she is one. Hansel and Gretel prevent this. They are hired by the mayor to find the kidnapped children.

They find a witch who is not the kidnapper, but also find a document indicating that a holy day for witches is coming up: the rise of the Blood Moon. This is a once in a generation event, and will occur in three days. The children are likely part of the ceremonies. The sheriff gathers a posse to find the children in competition.

Orchestrating events from the witch side is Muriel, a Grand Witch who can change appearances. The lesser witches have hideous skin, ugly teeth, and strange voices. All the witches have prodigious strength and speed. Muriel manages to collect a child born in each month of the calendar year, so her readiness for the Blood Moon progressed right along.

Hansel and Gretel get separated, and things get even worse. When the sheriff was about to kill Gretel, a troll named Edward saves her. Min helps Hansel, who was left hanging from a tree. They re-connect, then discover their childhood home. Muriel informs them of a few details of their childhood that they had been missing, particularly facts about their mother Adrianna and their father.

The dark witches need Gretel's heart to complete their Blood Moon rituals. Mina and Hansel discover a powerful book among Adrianna's possessions. They set off with Ben to stop the ritual and recover Gretel.

Will Ben, Mina, and Hansel, possibly with Edward's help, be able to stop Muriel's grand plans? If so, will they free the children?

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Cinematography: 10/10 Better than I expected.

Sound: 6/10 Ineffective for the most part.

Acting: 5/10 Peter Stormare, Famke Janssen, and Jeremy Renner were rather good. Gemma Arterton and Pihla Viitala were between forgettable and bad. Thomas Mann's performance was horrid.

Screenplay: 0/10 Referring to 'hillbillies' in late medieval Europe is a stupid and ridiculous anachronism, as was Ben's using modern fan speak. The use of a phonograph in the late Middle Ages is out of the question, as were the taser, the hypodermic injector, modern shotguns, repeating rifles, Gatling guns, and electric heart resuscitation devices. The final sequence in the desert was terrible.