Review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) by Noah Abraham G — 30 Sep 2013

"Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters" surprised me, in that I was surprised at how it wasn't as terrible as I assumed it'd be. That isn't saying much, though. This movie is still a piece of shit.

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton play the titular siblings, who, after the events of the original story, have grown up to hunt witches. One day they arrive in a small village that's got a real witch of a problem. It's not long before they uncover a plot by the Head Witch Muriel (Famke Janssen), and the two learn a bit more about themselves as well.

The plot is easy to follow, and easier to predict. Now cliches aren't inherently bad, of course, but there has to be something more. A handful of subversions, an element of self-awareness, good old-fashioned fun- the movie has none of it.

It tries, of course. And I give writer/director Tommy Wirkola credit for not acting like this is a serious epic. He knows the movie's stupid. Unfortunately, he doesn't commit. Wirkola said he didn't want the humor to go too far, but he ended up not going far enough. It's a stupid movie that tries to be self-aware, but still asks that we care deeply on some level.

This isn't helped by the atrocious script. I don't demand historical accuracy, but the constant use of modern lingo and profanity that sounds like it belongs more to "The Hangover" doesn't help. There's a middle ground between Ye Olde Butchered English and not caring, and this movie (surprisingly) doesn't care.

Of course, the dialogue is just poor. I'm not a fan of Wirkola's claim-to-fame that is "Dead Snow", but that looks like fucking Shakespeare compared to this. Not Shakespeare at his best, mind you, but maybe Romeo and Juliet. The dialogue is really wooden, and not a bit of it sounded like something that a real person would say, and it doesn't have the benefit of being poetic. Of course, this is Wikorla's first English-language film, so we can't expect too much of him.

None of this would matter so much if the action was good, but it's not. It's poorly edited and boring. The heroes' abilities are wildly inconsistent, especially in the lackluster climax. All of their weapons are far too modern, and by the time they busted out the chain gun, my suspension of disbelief was officially broken. Apparently most of the effects are practical, which is admirable. Alas, the effects are still terrible. With a seemingly animatronic troll looking faker than Scooby-Doo.

What's even worse are the attempts at drama. I won't spoil anything for you, but let me just say- they're terrible, for two reasons:

1) They're extremely contrived.

2) We don't care.

And why should we care? It's not as if the actors do that much, with the exceptions of Gemma Arterton and Thomas Mann as a nerdy fanboy of the witch-hunting duo. Neither of them are good, but there's effort there.

No effort is given by Jeremy Renner, however, who is clearly doing this for a paycheck and regretting it. It's frankly insulting. Yes, the movie is shit, but that's not a reason to not try.

Janssen goes to the other end of the spectrum, delivering her lines in an over-the-top fashion that still comes across as lazy. She's going through the motions and can't even be bothered to have any fun with it. Someone could use a few tips from Jeremy Irons.

There are a slew of side characters that don't matter. Peter Stormarre plays the exact same character he played in "The Brothers Grimm", only he's somehow even more useless this time around. Pihla Viitala plays the obvious love interest, and gives less of a shit than Jeremy Renner does. There are other characters, but they all leave no impact.

That's honestly the best way to describe the movie- it's there, it's terrible, but in a way that doesn't really affect you. You'll watch it, you'll hate it, you'll make fun of it the next day, you'll move on.

And while on the one hand it's unfortunate for a movie to leave no impression, I guess being somewhat forgettable is better than being aggressively hateful.

Maybe not. This film is ugly too, by the way.