Review of Halloween (2007) by Tyler R — 21 Aug 2013

A very pathetic remake. ( A lot of remakes are.) Rob zombie decided that he wanted to direct a totally unneccesary movie. The original is the greatest horror movie of all time in my opinion, but now it's ruined because of this white-trash adaptation. Unlike the original, we get to see Michael Myers growing up as a kid. His family is white-trash (A huge cliche when it comes to Rob zombie films) and the thing I noticed right off the bat is that making him grow up in an unstable environment ruins the character. In the original, Michael grew up in an average suburb house with two normal parents and a normal lifestyle for someone his age...and he still became evil. That makes the original version scarier because he was evil by nature and it's almost as if he was born to be a complete psychopath. The remake however makes him evil by nurture, the environment he lived in which included a bitch sister, a mom who is a whore and the mom's abusive boyfriend who criticized Michael whenever possible. He was evil because he had a hellish lifestyle and let's be honest, there are a lot of kids/teens like that in the world. It just makes the remake Michael seem less menacing and less of a challenge. Another wrong with this movie is the dialogue. Just about every character cusses every 3 words. (Hey, another Rob Zombie cliche!) Seriously, it's bad enough I have to listen to nonstop cussing at my high school, but to hear it from characters ranging from adults to people close to my age is just aggravating. I bet if Rob zombie made a movie about pre-schoolers he would still have them cuss nonstop:

Teacher: What the fuck is two plus fucking two?

Billy: Twenty-two, bitch!

Teacher: Wrong, dumbshit. Any other little assholes wanna answer this shitstorm of a fucking problem?

I'm not kidding, that's exactly what Rob Zombie dialogue sounds like. Another thing about this movie is that it just contains way too much blood and gore. The original had virtually no blood, but the remake just overdoes it with the violence. (Rob Zombie cliche numero tres.) I mean come on, were Rob Zombie to make a movie about a kid getting a paper cut, his whole finger would go flying off, the bone would poke through his skin and blood would spew out like a fountain. The acting in this film is ok though. The kid playing Michael Myers as a child did alright, the teens were ok, but annoying and the adult actors did pretty good with what little material they were given. Overall, the remake is just irrelevant. Rob Zombie cinematically commited rape. He ruined what made the original scary and turned it into something totally different. If Rob Zombie were to make a remake of Jaws, this is what I think it would be like:

Brody: Where the fuck is the fucking shark?

Quint: The shit vanished in mid-fucking-air.

Shark: I'm over here, bitches! Imma get drunk and throw sea rocks at you assholes.

(Rock hits Quint in the toe and his head blows up while his limbs fall off and melt into blood while every bone in his body snaps.).

The end.