Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by Toma — 22 Oct 2009

Really bad. i'm a big fan of action movies, but this isn't even three leagues below stuff like the bourne identity, face/off, x-men I and II, the die hard films, MI- II and III, the dark knight.

this is a comic book/video game film. i'm forty, have an advanced degree, and have a high iq. still, I love great fighting (even blade trinity) and hot women in tight clothing. But GI Joe just doesn't cut it.

att all. my single biggest problem is that I can't understand what tatum is saying. the guy doesn't enunciate. I can always understand hugh jackman, matt damon, gerard butler, clive owen, daniel craig, will smith, jessica biel, ryan reynolds, etc.

. tatum just sounds dumb and uneducated, and lazy. he talks like a guy serving you fries with that at mcdonalds. maybe people under twenty-five can understand speech that sounds just like a string of vowels to me.

also, it's way, way too busy. this is an explosion movie, not a fight movie. I like fight movies, and movies about spies. so, movies that involve ingenuity and calculated, agile violence. gi joe is less about action and more about imaginary weapons, like some call of duty 9.

there aren't even chases in it. I love good car chases. I enjoy tomb raider. however, this is a new type of film that's all about CGI and weapons, and not much about human strength, agility, dexterity, or speed.

there's so much CGI that nothing seems fast (like the car chase in gone in sixty seconds), because everything moving moves against a CGI backdrop. if you're under twenty-five and are acclimated to call of duty, you may enjoy this.

if you like x-men, you'll be very disappointed. sienna miler, as always, is dazzlingly pretty.