Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by Obinna N — 05 May 2012

Somewhere in this incoherent mess lie the bones of a good, dumb, action movie. Instead you have a plot that makes no sense, poorly directed action that manages to be both over the top and undercooked at the same time, wasted actors and half-baked CGI that wouldn't look out of place in a TV movie. Channing Tatum clearly thinks he's the dog's bollocks but has all the screen presence of a wardrobe. Christopher Ecclestone is embarrassing. You know a film is bad when the best players in it are Marlon Wayans and Sienna Miller. In fact this film is so inept, so unoriginal and badly executed it makes Michael Bay look like a master of his craft. And you ask yourself why this is... until you see it was directed by the same idiot that foisted that awfully overrated piece of shit "The Mummy" on us back in the late 90s when you could still impress people with a face in a CGI sandstorm. Well, stupid people anyway.

All of the above makes for a very frustrating cinematic experience. Only the Paris scenes save the film, and it's the only thing they almost don't totally f-up in the execution. Almost.

Look out for the blatant Star Wars rip off moments. Even the Prequels.

Yup.