Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by Per P — 08 Jul 2013

2009 and 2010 were the worst summer movie seasons, like ever. For every good movie that was released during them (District 9, Toy Story 3, Inception, Iron Man 2) we had a ton of shitty movies that accompanied them. And G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra was one of the bad ones, yet not as bad as some of the others were. It is just flat-out stupid. G.I Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is about... well, it's about a team of soldiers trying to stop terrorist from unleashing ghost ooze against the world. The story is so stupid, that it is insulting to stupid movies to classify this as stupid. There is no beginning, there is no middle, and there is no end. It is just shit blowing up with no rhyme or reason. Who is this Cobra, what is their ultimate goal, where are they getting this technology? If you are a fan of G.I Joe (Like myself), you may have the answers... but there is no way in hell anybody else will! Cause they never fucking explain anything! And they butcher the G.I Joe lore. I'm not saying that G.I Joe lore, while definitely not perfect, it was there. My problem is that they took a series with an established history behind it and they did nothing with it. For fucks sake, they made the Baroness blonde! And don't even get me started on what they did to Cobra Commander.

How is the dialogue? Awful, fucking horrendously awful. The nonstop action cleche' moments are downright embarrassing, from lines such as "You could do that?" to "Now you will die, without saying a word" the dialogue makes you cringe, and all of this is poorly delivered as well. The acting here is as fake as the horrible special effects. Speaking of which, the action scenes downright rip off Michael Bay's Transformers movies. Of all the action movies they could've ripped off, why Transformers? G.I Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, while not a F**K YOU, it is most definitely a Some Ole' Bullsh*t. It is a embarrassment to this franchise. Thankfully, the sequel looks much, much better. Hopefully, it'll succeed where this film failed.