Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) by John S — 03 Jan 2016

As I just finished watching "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra", I seriously wonder what kind of abomination the Hollywood film industry has become when its major blockbusters are reduced to two hour long toy commercials filled with fancy CGI but lacking a coherent story whatsoever.

Any man born in the early eighties somewhere in Western society remembers GI Joe as one of the coolest toy franchises that (just like "Transformers") had its own cartoon series to make the toys notorious. And boy, notorious they were. Millions of young boys dreamed of having their own plastic Cobra army going against the brave plastic Joe's and of course (unlike the cartoon) defeating them every now and then. I don't remember much of the cartoon series, to be honest, but boy do I remember those fascinating Cobra outfits. Those were the days...

Now we're 20 years later and the toy companies have moved up. Instead of using cartoons to sell their toys, they're using movies. And boy, do they suck. "Transformers" was an empty shell of a film, "Transformers 2" managed to be even worse and then there was "GI Joe". All I can say is "WOW"... What a way to ruin our childhood memories.

"GI Joe" consists of little more than one action scene after the other. While this is not a bad thing per se (I actually liked "Crank" and even "Shoot 'em up" the first time I saw them), the audience of "GI Joe" witnesses its intelligence being consistently insulted by a story that lacks any character development whatsoever, that lacks a coherent plot, that defies physics on a continuous basis and that is so filled with CGI I sometimes felt I was watching an animation film. Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but going throughout this film and remotely taking it seriously is another. Is there any more blatant way to rip off an existing franchise and use film as a way to advertise a new line of toys? And you know what... The one thing that made "GI Joe" so fascinating as a kid was the cool "Cobra" outfits and they managed to ruin that as well. ####, even the toys look like ####!

Watch this film only if you want to get a glimpse of how ridiculously sub par Hollywood blockbusters have become and you feel like making fun of it. Even as a "turn off your brain and enjoy" kind of film, this film is just too moronic to watch in any other setting... unless you're as stupid as the lowest common denominators this film seems to be targeted for. In that case, I pity you.