Review of Furious 7 (2015) by Drauchdoes2015 — 03 Apr 2015

I'm honestly glad that this is the first entry to the Fast & Furious series I've had the patience to see to the end. I am now acutely aware that there was nary a worthwhile cinematic moment I have missed in the entirety of this seven-film-long franchise. Don't misinterpret what I'm about to say. I'm not going to be broad or **** around what I mean to say so as to avoid making diehard fans of this franchise angry. This is a BAD movie. Not a good movie. Not an average movie. Furious 7 is a BAD movie. My brutality is warranted, I assure you.

I'll begin with the positives, however few and far between they are. The most laudable aspect of Furious 7 is it's unintentional hilarity. This is also it's most egregious flaw. When I am reduced to stifling fits of laughter during a moment pitched DEAD serious, something is wrong. On the other hand, I can't deny that I had a blast tearing this to shreds. This is a film that wears it's heart on it's sleeve, and I'm probably a bit to blame for being such a cruel . But with a script composed almost entirely of action-movie catchphrases (lines like 'Woman, I am the calvary') and the realism of an Uwe Ball film (I found five planes skydiving from a carrier jet a pretty tasty bit of ludicrousness) I would advise anyone going to see this try to see the mockable quality of Furious 7 as a beacon of humor in what is otherwise a stone-faced watch. Legitimate attempts at laughs are something else entirely, so juvenile, half-hearted, and plain unfunny that they feel awkward and embarrassing (I'm looking at you Tyrese. Just shut up).

Lin also manages to achieve fleeting instances of legitimate watchability. Some action scenes aren't too silly and some of the dialogue isn't ripe with cliches or bad jokes. The tone maintained throughout is refreshingly devoid of mean-spirited macho vibes, just idiotic ones. The only other mention of positivity I have is that Furious 7 doesn't offend too many sensibilities other than the cinematic. It's not homophobic or racist, like Michael Bay's films, it's just sexist.

All that aside, Furious 7 is a god-awful seemingly-endless pummeling of explosions and machinery smashing machinery. I wouldn't take up an issue with it if it were filmed with clarity or some sense of artistry. The audio is cacophonous as hell, almost to the point of inducing migraines. The storyline is so ripe with plot-holes, I can't begin to dive into how devoid of logic the procession of events in this film are. Vin Diesel and co deliver their dialogue with such a lack of a enthusiasm, even though I'm sure they were more emotionally invested in this outing over the death of Paul Walker, they fail to show it.

There is a memorial of Walker at the end that I should mention, which is a legitimately thoughtful, logical ending to his character's arc. It's fitting and respectful that he wasn't killed off. The recreations of Walker are noticeable, though. I appreciate the effort to sow him into the narrative, but you'll take note of his long silences and body doubles. It's a shame, both Walker's death and the repercussions it has on the franchise, particularly this transitional entry.

The melodrama that Furious 7 pitches at the audience is almost soap-opera-level over-the-top. We aren't invested in these characters, period, and the amnesia storyline (apparently introduced in the sixth film) is unforgivably preposterous. Beyond unbelievable, it's plain cliched and dull. Boring, to be honest. And I shouldn't have that feeling about a film that involves high-octane vehicles crashing into each other.

I refuse to accept that filmgoers should suspend their disbelief to the extent that Furious 7 demands them to. The fact that film critics have become so lenient to the point where films such as this garner higher aggregated scores than such films as Fight Club is appalling. There is better escapist entertainment out there if you feel like shutting your mind off and relaxing while imagery goes by without coherence. The dehumanization of female figures, inclusion of unfunny, awkward humor, lack of logic, and relentless vehicular mayhem make me feel like Michael Bay comparisons are not unwarranted, yet somehow not drawn by critics that refuse to demonize this level of thoughtless blockbuster entertainment. Avoid at all costs if you haven't yet seen a Fast & Furious film, if you already have, there's pretty much nothing to say.