Review of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) by Shelby B — 07 Mar 2014

One thing that has really impressed me about the Friday the 13th series is how, just when you think it couldn't get any worse than the last one, along comes a sequel that manages to top the previous one in terms of how purely bad it is. It's really amazing how these already-bad movies are able to get progressively worse still.

The opening montage of unorganized Jason Voorhees murder scenes was a total joke. It was like a parody of a montage reel, or a bad trailer that just bombards you with an onslaught of Jason's Greatest Hits - or Greatest Stabs, I guess.

Forget about a plot; the movie's plot is almost exactly the same as the previous Friday the 13th movies, but with new characters... who are exactly the same as the ones in the previous movies. No wonder all the Friday the 13th movies have started to blur together for me. Honestly, much like with the other Friday the 13th movies, the best part about this one was the nudity.

Here are the most ridiculous things about this movie, from beginning to end:

1. How hard is it to check if Jason is really dead?

2. How is Jason able to sneak up on his victims in the water or in the house? He's a big, graceless man, and not exactly a ninja. You could probably hear his heavy footsteps from a mile away, especially if you're in an old creaky lake house.

3. Are we really to believe that he climbed up to the outside of the windowsill and was just hanging out there until Tina happened to come close enough for him to kill her? C'mon.

4. Jason wastes time pinning up one of his corpses in a doorway. Is there a point to this, besides giving whoever opened the door next a scare? And how did he even pin it up without anyone noticing? I'm assuming he wasn't doing the traditional way, by banging nails loudly with a hammer.

5. "AHHH, he's killing me!" screams one of Jason's victims. Um, you have a machete in your hand, dude. You can use it if you like.

6. It's really amazing how the almighty Jason meets his end at the hands of an incompetent girl and a kid.

7. It's also amazing how Jason didn't die from the aforementioned incompetent girl and kid smashing his head in with a TV.

8. When the girl and the kid cut his mask off and reveal his face, he looks like Gothmog, the deformed-looking Orc leader from Return of the King.

9. What was the point of Tommy looking like Jason? To distract him for like, one second?

10. The ending scene where Tommy gives the camera his best "I'm evil now, fuckas" look was pretty laughable.