Review of Friday the 13th (2009) by Jordan A — 28 Feb 2016

Fear is a part of human nature. People naturally crave the exhilarating adrenalin rush that only sheer terror can produce. Spiders, heights, space, insects, fire, death and fear itself are few of the thousands of phobias that cripple people's otherwise normal lives.

Purposefully designed to tap into a person's deep seeded fears, horror movies must rip at that pit in your stomach. Attempting to pierce your rationality; make you jump from your skin, break a scream from your lungs, clench your fists and make you forget you are safely sitting in a darkened movie theatre.

Friday the 13th (part XII) not only won't make you jump, scream or clench but it will leave you wondering how it is capable of being the latest instalment of the most successful horror movie franchise is history.

Spread over three decades, grossing a combined total of over $462 million at the box office and having spawned eleven sequels (plus another due in 2011) and a crossover, these facts are the only scary thing left for this story.

Following the exact same formula as almost all of its predecessors (minus a couple of notable exceptions) the film lacks originality, creativity and any single scrap of a storyline. But who expects a storyline from old-fashioned slasher based horror movies? That's more for the new generation of shock and disgust 'Saw' style.

By using original footage from 1980's Part I (much the same as in the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre revamp) the tone and conceptual back-story of the series is laid out. Mrs. Voorhess (Betsy Palmer) in the first murderous rampage at Camp Crystal Lake explains to her camp counsellor victim why she is hunting her down, "because you weren't paying attention... you let my son drown" but neither was she, and is soon decapitated.

Jason Voorhess (Derek Mears) after finding his mothers severed head embarks on a murder spree of his own. Crystal Lake is the setting for most of the films, there seems to be a never ending supply of teenage holiday goers who simply can't stay away from the area.

In Part XII, we begin with a carnage appetiser as an innocent quintet of frisky pot lovers are murdered after they come to the ruined Camp Crystal Lake when their GPS guides them to a plentiful crop of weed. (turn left in 300 metres, illicit drugs on your left; oh no wait, it's just a multiple murderer).

Six weeks later. We meet a new group of seven young people on a beer-booze and butts blast at the rich boy's daddy's cabin. After hearing Hunky biker Clay Miller's (Jared Padalecki) plight to search for his missing sister (one of the first five), Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) the rich boy's girlfriend, willingly leaves her sex, shots, skiing and bong-hitting friends to help him find her.

Needless to say, the rest of the film is just as predictable as expected. Jason pops out behind every tree, stares back through rainy window and hunts each person down methodically no matter how many times he gets injured.

But with each cheap scare, every curt three-toothed local or every random moment of unnecessary nudity (topless water skiing, there's a résumé skill!) "Friday the 13th" feels utterly conservative. With the desensitisation of late in "the hills have eyes and hostel" and their torture-porn cousins, the simple and classic "slasher" formula no longer cuts it.

Each instalment only ever had one generally recognisable face. Always opting to cast unknowns either a headliner wouldn't dream of taking the role or perhaps the studio isn't willing to share the exorbitant profit. Following the teen heartthrob trend form Part I (who could forget Kevin Bacon) Part XII has Jared Padalecki (supernatural). Come on Jared, your better than this at least you don't die.

The graphics and gore are pleasantly authentic. Luckily the SFX unit didn't feel the necessity to jump into the 21st century with an over abundance of blood and gusts, sticking simply to the situations as called for.

The Verdict: The once blood curdling score merely twitches at the old expectation of fear. After a run of truly disappointing sequels, I was hoping to bring better news but sadly the Friday the 13th series died many episodes ago and no matter how many times they bring Jason back; He's still dead! and so should this franchise.

Published: The Queanbeyan Age.

Date of Publication: 27/03/2009.