Review of Five Across the Eyes (2006) by Vince F — 19 Jan 2010

**outof****.

I watched this not knowing anything about it, as well as not expecting much but the film delivered in being an ENTERTAINING watch overall. It has a super fast pace, and once it gets going, it NEVER stops for a catch of breathe.

The movie has five interchangeable wannabe-thespian teeny bopper chicks driving home from the out of town football game only to get lost in the desolate road in a godforsaken backwater, where the only gas station for miles is run by 80 year old hicks, who introduce themselves by spewing phlegm.

After hitting a parked SUV at the gas station, they panic and flee the scene of the accident, then to only to be quickly followed, taunted and eventually assaulted, tortured ,raped, verbally insulted,etc by a psychotic, butch dike, Rosie O'Donnel like FEMALE who has murdered her family or something and keeps their bodies enclosed in her vehicle for safe keeping. The movie never really declares who this villain is,or wtf her problem is but there are some character traits such as her hate for young females because they apparently stole her husband away from her sprinkled throughout.

The movie is extremely low budget and tries to compensate by going the Blair Witch-Shaky Cam reality way, but it got pretty chaotic and it was hard to tell what was going on due to the lack of proper lighting or proper audio devices. The director had a hard time communicating what the hell was going on or what he intended. Lot's of shaky, blurry shot, bad editing type stuff going on here.

The movies best quality is it's brutality and idiotic characters and their actions. These spice girl rejects go through hell I must admit. They all displayed complete incompetence to their situation that eventually became so moronic that I laughed my ass off! If you've never seen a movie where the chick uses her own feces as defense against a shotgun wielding dike, then you finally will here! Also, the females mistake SCREAMING for acting, and all they do is bicker for the most part. Bcomes very comical.

They came off as pretty useless too, such as one scene where after being forced to suck on the dikes tongue or something and crotch-fondled, one girl vows to get revenge, with her homies vowing to back her up ( the scene shows them picking up whatever they can in the van well all staring squinty eyed), but then the camera got all shaky again and somehow the butch dike has all of them tied up or knocked out and even shoves her shotgun up one girls anus, how the hell did that happen? I was baffled how dumb they were.

The movie had ZERO amounts of good taste and went all out in hopes of offending. I respected that and the highlight scene that disgusted me involved a screwdriver and a females certain orifice. Didn't see that coming! NICE! The revenge inflicted on the villain was also very satisfying and made the whole helter skelter trip worth it.

A odd soundtrack that used a mixture of techno, heavy metal, lousy pop and even Happy Hard Core(BLEH!) popped up, uneven but the techno and heavy metal worked!

Nothing groundbreaking in this "tortured and raped then seek revenge" sub genre of horror but still delivers some smutty thrills.