Review of Final Destination 3 (2006) by Markb. — 21 Apr 2006

Not that it has THAT much plausible competition, but the original Final Destination, written and directed by X-Files expatriates Glen Morgan and James Wong, was the best, smartest and most effective teen slaughterfest since Wes Craven's original Nightmare on Elm Street.

In it, a high school student envisions a fiery plane disaster which will wipe out his Paris-bound classmates and several teachers; he then successfully talks several of them out of taking the flight. Death, who would've completely gotten away with its plans if it hadn't been for those meddling kids, proves to be the ultimate poor sport, and starts picking off the survivors in various bizarre, baroque and mostly very elaborate methods.

Part of the original's success (as well as that of its sequel, which was energetically directed by Snakes on a Plane's David R. Ellis) was that Death, although never seen, was an incredibly vivid personality: an anal-retentive type who insistently redoes its handiwork in the EXACT SAME PATTERN that it originally would've had its plans not been thwarted, and judging from the increasingly elaborate nature of the "accidents" it stages, is a dark force whose all-time favorite board game isn't Monopoly, Risk or Clue.

..but Mouse Trap. Sadly, this third entry is as sloppy, perfunctory and unfunny-jokey as most of the Elm Street follow-ups were, and at least those had the lame excuse of Craven NOT being involved with most of them.

However, Morgan and Wong are back for this one, and while their use of a roller coaster ride certainly had potential (aren't ALL horror films by nature roller coaster rides?) this movie's victims--who had realistically and intriguingly varied personalities and reactions in the first two Final Destinations--are, except for the hero and heroine, all either disbelieving twits or total morons.

The deaths all follow the same identical pattern (whirrrr--woop, woop, woop--whiz!--whew!--WHAM!!!) and the editing, so precise in the first two entries, is maddeningly slapdash, looking as though several frames have been randomly sliced out of all those Rube Goldberg nail-gun/ barbeque pit mishaps.

And let's be honest: as far as Death's selected traveling music goes, The Lettermen don't have a fraction of the cultural, historic or emotional resonance that John Denver brought to the original.

As anyone would normally expect from the third film in any horror series, the "special makeup effects" budget has noticeably increased (probably surpassing the actors' salaries), but for all the gallons and drums of red stuff added by Morgan and Wong to the proceedings, Final Destination 3 still comes off as almost totally bloodless.