Review of Final Analysis (1992) by Alexandra W — 12 Jun 2011

Greetings fellow movie-watching masochists! I cordially invite you to the bizarre, faux-Hitchcockian world of Final Analsis. Let this movie transport you to 1992 San Francisco, where CSI's Captain Brass sleazes around as the defense-attorney-with-a-terrible-Caesar-cut best friend to Richard Gere's sexy (according to 1992 and many women with bad taste) psychiatrist.

Allow Richard Gere's beady little eyes to bore into you as he investigates Uma Thurman's childhood through psychoanalysis, until the movie turns into a courtroom drama and we forget Uma Thurmam ever existed (until the twist starts up, of course).

Gaze in wonderment as you realize someone must have actually thought Kim Basinger looked good with a limp perm and shoulder pads and that Kim has the exact same problem with alcohol as she had in Blind Date (that awful movie with Bruce Willis from 1987[!]).

Feel your ear canals overflow with ostentatious symphonic splashes of overblown horns and tympany. Discover that you're rooting for the villain to win at the end because the hero is a huge d-bag and at least the villain is kind of interesting.

And finally, analyze yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself the timeless questions, "What propels me to watch terrible movies? Do I secretly just really like hating things?".