Review of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) by David23 — 16 Feb 2015

Having read average reviews of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' prior to seeing it - and being male - my expectations of this movie-adaptation of a book distinctly targeted at women were low. And, normally, this would give such a movie the chance to surprise me and be a bit better than expected. Unfortunately not, in the case of this particular film.

There are so many issues with it, that it's difficult to know where to begin. I guess the best place to start is with the leading actor and actress: Jamie Dornan (playing Christian Grey) and Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele). To say that there is little chemistry between these two would be an understatement. The problem being that this then permeates the rest of the movie; how can you believe any of the actions of the characters when you can't even believe that there is any love between them? Other than being rich, Christian's character has little going for him. His complete lack of humour or charisma, particularly in the first scene in which Anastasia meets him, leaves you wondering why Ana is so taken with him.

Quick question for any women reading this review: if a potential boyfriend did any of the following things, what would your reaction be: a) Stalked you; b) Broke into your home and confronted you; c) Asked you to sign a contract saying that you'd do whatever he wanted (sexually) to please him; d) Told you that you're not sleeping in the same bed as him because that's "not his thing". That's right: you'd run a mile (possibly whilst phoning the police). Which really then begs questions as to why, on the basis of the books, Christian Grey seems to have become such a sex symbol. Is this really the kind of man that women fantasise about?

Things don't get any better outside of the main two characters, either. Not to say that the other actors/actresses are all terrible but the parts they play are just so pointless that you wonder why they even needed to be in the movie. Max Martini (playing Christian's driver, Taylor) is completely wasted in a role that could have provided a bit more warmth and/or humour to the movie. On the other side of things, the scenes with Anastasia and her friend Kate (Eloise Mumford) are so painfully wooden that it feels like they're two really poor actresses reading directly from the script, auditioning for a part in the movie. We meet Christian's family and Anastasia's parents briefly, but they have little time (or dialogue) in which to contribute anything to the film.

Finally, on the negative aspects, I'll bring up the main reason that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' has garnered so much interest: the sex scenes. I don't think it's unfair to say that they are about as far from erotic as they could possibly be. I've seen far sexier scenes in movies that didn't even require nudity to be sexy. Each sex scene in the movie seems to follow the same (or a very similar) pattern: 1) He takes her clothes off; 2) He ties her up (and possibly puts a blindfold over her eyes); 3) He takes his own clothes off; 4) He kisses her body (working further and further down); 5) She opens her mouth, moans and groans, and arches her back whilst the director uses the only two shots that she seems to have in her arsenal: the shot from above, and the side-shot, both avoiding revealing any genitalia. To be honest you can't help but feel that, by the time Christian has finished tying knots in all the ropes, Anastasia would have fallen asleep rather than be feeling aroused.

The one bright point of the movie is some of the humorous dialogue provided by Anastasia (particularly her drunk phone call to Christian and a 'business meeting' with him). These are few and far between though and also felt slightly out of place in a movie which covers fairly dark material at times.

What I will say is that if this movie had actually been produced with absolutely no intention of a sequel being made, then it could have been much improved. We could have seen Christian's love for Anastasia turn him from being a cold, distant character into a loving, caring person (think 'Despicable Me' but for adults). Unfortunately, we get a ludicrous open-ended finale which leaves you feeling like the movie went absolutely nowhere in the space of two hours. Ironically, I think this approach is bad for the franchise overall: instead of delivering one reasonably good movie, you're going to get possibly 3 terrible ones. That's up for argument though: whilst I'm sure this movie will do well at the box office, I truly believe that - once people realise how badly it fails to deliver on its erotic premise - there may not be quite the same appetite for a sequel. Only time will tell.