Review of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) by Lealakoma — 16 Feb 2015

First things first: I have not read the book, assuming that I'm not the targeted audience, and since I have read marquise de Sade and other classics I've assumed it's not going to be even slightly inspiring. But having read that the film was supposed to be better, that a score of script doctors worked on improving the characters and the plot, and stupidly getting into the frenzy of how inappropriate it was supposed to be - I went to see it. Even with the lowest of expectations that you can possibly have I hardly managed to sit through all of it. It bored me to death. The main plot is a totally unrealistic, flat and uninspiring, it's worse than piece of fan fiction written by a seventeen year old. Since I don't know the original book, I must assume it's even worse, which makes me shiver with dread. I have no idea why this film is rated 18+ in the UK, and described as including strong sex scenes - it has rather innocent sex scenes - all three of them. I've seen much more hardcore stuff in lower rated films, this is just ridiculous to call this film erotic - it isn't. And don't get fooled - the only BDSM - related scenes are the toys inside the red room. That remain mostly unused.

But lack of sex is not the worst thing about it (although I suppose the viewers should complain about being mislead by the ad campaign around the film to believe they were going to see an erotic drama). the worst part is that I've never seen so poorly constructed characters before. They lack any dimensions, they are just two dummies, moved around by a kindergarten kid, reciting those daft, lifeless dialogues.

I have never regretted paying money to see any film - but I do now. Luckily it's unlikely anyone but the hard core fans will be going to see the next two installments of this atrocity.

The only mildly funny moment is the allusion to Jamie Dornan's role in The Fall. But it's not worth the money paid for the 2 hours of torture (and it's not the kind leading to satisfaction).

Films like this one should be forbidden. It's awful to think some people watch it religiously, but then religion is the opium for the masses. And the masses lack the taste.