Review of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) by Attentivecritic — 15 Apr 2015

“Fifty Shades of Grey Review”.

So for the second time, I just finished watching this movie and...wow, just wow. When it comes to a film like this, the question and really the only relevant question that I have is “what the fecal matter is this?” This movie is horrible and I'll cast some light as to the reasons why it's horrible but first let me note a few things. I'm not going to even bother structuring this review. This means making separate sections for “Presentation”, “Characters”, “Music”, etc. This movie doesn't deserve that level of time or effort.

I'm not going to insult the word “spoiler” because this movie doesn't have a plot. I'm not going sit here and write paragraph after paragraph after paragraph explaining in every little small exquisite detail why this movie is bad which I could very well do but considering two hours of my time has already been wasted, I'm not going to stress out my level of patience further. Now onto my tailored and straightforward to the point review of this crap known as Fifty Shades of Grey.

First of all, I'm going to be blunt, this movie does not have a plot. I repeat, there is no story in this movie which is understandable because this bull**** is based off a trilogy of books inspired by ******* Twilight. That within of itself says enough and it says enough in spades. The premise for this garbage, and I can't believe I just insulted the word “garbage” is about a young college grad named Anastasia Steele or Anna. Anna goes to interview this young billionaire, that's right “Billionaire”, pretty boy, named Christian Grey. Christian just after one interview almost immediately becomes a stalker and with enough persistence, he and Anna elope in this one sided relationship which involves her becoming his sex slave. After about an hour and fifty minutes of nothing, Anna finally decides to grow a brain and she considers the relationship to be abusive despite the fact that it was an abusive relationship from the start and this was explained to her by Christian himself exactly what this was going to be early on in the movie. So, Anna decides to leave Christian and the movie ends. Cut to black, begin end credits. …Yeah, that's the movie. And as a word of some positivity, Dakota Johnson wasn't too bad in this. She did inject some humor into her lifeless character but she nor anyone else is saving this film right here.

So what's the problem with the movie? Many things, the first being the way this was marketed. Fifty Shades of Grey was marketed to be this soft-core pornographic film being toted as a serious movie. In that regard alone, this is somewhat okay considering other films such as Secretary have done the same and have done this a lot better but that's for another discussion. The problem with Fifty Shades in this regard is the fact that the “porn” in this movie is bare-bones the minimum of what they could have done. Yes there's nudity in the film but aside from a flat chested Dakota Johnson flash every now and then and someone's a** cheeks popping up on screen, this is some of the most boring “porn” that you could watch. The movie tends to cut these scenes long before they have the chance to become interesting and they're not even shot very well. To make matters worse, the pornographic material is the only thing that the movie has going for it.

The characters in this movie, they're all bad, all of them. I don't care if you're talking about the potentially wasted guy friend of Anastasia, her roommate, her father, her mother, Christian's mother, his brother, it doesn't matter. They're all bad. The only two characters given any appropriate screen time are Christian and Anastasia themselves and neither one of them are good characters. In fact, they're both poorly written and very, very rage inductively stupid. Anastasia is one of the worst written female characters that I've seen in a film in quite some time. Women always want to talk about how Hollywood doesn't take women seriously and throws them in cliché roles yet, the majority of you hypocrites want to go out and pay to see a dumb bland character like this as a protagonist. To those women out there who paid for this, you're only insulting yourself at this point. Anastasia is stupid, she's dumb, she's bland, she's hardheaded, she's uninteresting, she's not even all that attractive! Dakota Johnson is pretty but she's not a supermodel looking chick and for a rich character like Christian Grey, you would think he would be acting like a stalker/serial killer for someone whom at least looks like a supermodel but no! He goes for the bare-minimum of what he can supposedly get, despite his high profile status which is overemphasized to the point of illogical irrelevance and sheer utter stupidity in this stupid movie.

Christian himself to say a few words, is literally as I explained. He personifies the traits of a stalker/serial killer and he can get away with it because he's handsome and he's a billionaire which by the way, and I know this question has been asked with this retarded series but, did a sixteen year old girl write this? An example of this behavior by this Christian character would be a scene near the beginning of the movie just after Anna and Christian meets one another. Anna is in the middle of working at her job and from right around the corner isle, this creepy a**hole just pops up out of nowhere like a damn stalker with the first words out of his mouth being “I thought it was you”. Yeah I'm sure you did think it was her. You were probably watching her from the moment she walked out of her home to the moment you decided it was a good idea to wait in a specific isle like the shadow of god damn Michael Myers.

That's just a tip of the iceberg of what's wrong with this character. Another scene, the club scene, which is also near the beginning of the movie, Anna gets drunk and Christian calls her scolding her as if he was her father despite the fact that they literally met barely even ten minutes ago in the film. (Phone Ringing) (Christian Grey Calling) Anastasia: “I'm sorry I didn't mean,” Christian: “Stay where you are I'm coming to get you” Anastasia: “What?” (Click) ME: “The ****??” All this bs and it's not even thirty minutes into the movie! The entire useless two hours of this abysmal calamity has this Anastasia character questioning “well why don't we go on a date?” “why can't I touch you?” “why can't we be like normal people?” He explained to you from the beginning what this relationship was going to be!!!! What the ****?!! It takes this girl two hours to grow a brain and say “I've had enough”. You should've been done with him when he showed you his sex dungeon! Any self respecting woman would've dropped this guy at several scenes in this movie but oh no not Anastasia! Because without bs, these lazy Hollywood executives would have no means of selling tickets because the movie would only last five minutes tops.

Then the movie takes its bs even further with the Christian Grey character. So when Anastasia isn't getting on your nerves, it's this stupid idiot who sprouts some of the worst dialogue that I've heard in a while. The entire movie, this guy is moping, literally moping and he regurgitates the same thing over and over again. “I don't do romance”, “I don't do dating”, “I don't do intimacy” Bull****!! All he ever does is romance!! And this movie further misses an opportunity by trying to give this character a back story. Apparently the whole BDSM nonsense comes from him being a submissive to his mother's friend when he was a teenager. The sad part is that the movie could have been about that! The movie could have set up the plot where it was about this guy who was abusing this woman and all the women before her because he was trying to get back at this crazy woman who abused him the same way. But no! Instead what we get is a two hour live action equivalent of the Looney Tunes show, with unrealistic characters bantering the same nonsense back and forth. “Why can't we be normal?” “I don't do romance” “Why can't we be normal?” “I don't do romance” “Why can't we be normal?” “I don't do romance”. Over and over and over and over again like the movie is trying to bash your skull in with poor writing and even worse developed and uninteresting lead characters.

And before I close out of this review, I want to mention the contract. Yes, these two idiots in this movie made a contract which discloses exactly what Christian is allowed/not allowed to do to Anastasia when they're engaged in sexual activity but this scene is completely pointless as later in the movie, Christian says it himself. “**** the contract”. Those are his exact words. So why did we insert this scene in this movie again? Oh that's right, it's in the movie to cover up the fact that for two hours, nothing of importance happens in this movie.

Fifty Shades of Grey besides Insurgent, another piece of diarrhea vomit that I will also review, is the most recent laziest and cheapest attempt at making money for Hollywood. The movie reeks of tropes that are specifically designed and placed into the film just to attract a dumb audience full of drones that will no doubt buy the Blu-ray on day one which is why this crap is at the number one spot on Amazon.com in the genre of romance which again is funny considering the fact that there is no legit romance in this movie, just BS! Because how can a movie based off a book series that's inspired from something as dull and stupid as the Twilight series possibly be about anything? And that's another thing, even Twilight is better than this! How do you accomplish something like that?!! At least in Twilight you had a decapitation here and there before it returned back to the same some ole repetitive BS. In this nonsense however, there's nothing of interest to look forward to, nothing, not one god damn thing. If this is really what women and I know its not all of you out there but me speaking to the majority. If this is really what women describe as entertainment then it's nothing but dark days ahead for mainstream audiences who like to go to the movies such as myself, even for general audiences.

This is why Indies will always be better than what's mainstream in the film industry. There are too many idiots who don't care about the art form of film or even care about movies in general paying to go to the theater and have a “good time”. These people don't care about pacing or plot or character development. It's the equivalent of everyone who goes to see these fun but regurgitated superhero movies and loud nonsensical IQ insulting CGI fests like the Michael Bay Transformer films. The only difference is that movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, Twilight, and The Host are targeted towards a female audience who think they want to see romance but don't have a clear grasp on what that word actually means. It's a sad day, dark times are ahead for people who actually care about quality entertainment. If anyone has given this more than a one star up on here, you should be ashamed. By the way, can't wait for the even worse sequels to this nonsense, tsk. What's the next one called I wonder. ...Oh Fifty Shades Darker, how original. Yeah if you value common sense and especially if you value decent story telling then do yourself a favor and skip this.