Review of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) by Showmethetalent — 19 Feb 2015

"Boring (Two Hours that Feel Like Two Weeks- the movie is too LOOOONG), Derivative (The Story of O and 9 1/2 Weeks both did it much better, and with a better-looking cast, if this S & M genre is your thing) and Embarrassingly Stupid, 50SOG is Dreck for Those Whose Brains Have Been Scooped Out".

You would have had to have your brain scooped out to buy into the absurd premise that this boring, monotonous, derivative, cheesy-porno dreck has anything to do with love, or even satisfactory coupling. If you manage to make it through the movie without nodding off at the tedium or just cutting your losses and leaving early, you will understand why the distributors and their media enablers had to promote the heck out of this dog to get people into the theatres. The record that 50SOG should be setting is "the year's biggest gotcha." What a bunch of hype for a zero of a movie.

The thin storyline is nothing new. To reduce it to its basics and give nothing away that you probably have not already surmised just from the trailer and the heavy hype leading up to its release: Sicko beats up Flavor of the Moment and she pretends to enjoy it in exchange for access to Sicko's money and trappings, natch. Charming, huh? A romantic Valentine story? Not and not.

Tinsel Town has reached another low in this stinker of a movie with its fake flagellations, man-on-woman violence and gratuitous sex. About the best that can be said is that at least you get to sit in a theatre seat out of the winter cold for two hours, and you do have two hours of escapism where you do not have to consider the day's beheadings by the Islamic terrorists steadily expanding their already-New Hampshire-sized territory.

50SOG is pretty much devoid of imagination: If this S & M genre is your thing, the oldie The Story of O, or even 9 1/2 Weeks, is not as tedious as this movie is, and those casts are better-looking and better actors. Older filmgoers might also vaguely equate the lack of merit in 50SOG with the icky, degrading Last Tango in Paris: Maria, the butter. Ana baby, the whip. Hollywood cannot seem to "discipline" itself to avoid these irresponsible and degrading themes.

Obviously, 50SOG is unapologetically anti-woman and pro-sexual-violence, and generations of women with any sense of history or context (and critical thinking skills surpassing those of a second grader - and let us not forget that most second graders would have a keener sense of stranger danger than apparently the stupid Ana does) are hurling in their popcorn to think that any moviegoers, particularly the confused women who have fueled the success of this dud in both book and now movie form, mistake sexual assault and battery with love, romance or satisfactory coupling. Sexual abuse is not love. Abuse is not cute, not clever, not cool, not fun, not funny, not entertaining. Abuse is sick and an offense. Where is the PC Police when you really need them?

The US film industry must be pretty dead, too, if Melanie Griffith's daughter could not get better work than this merde, given her connections.

Bottom line, as is obvious from my opinion as expressed in this review, and which also seems to be the 186 to 132 majority view of reviewers on this thread: Save your time and money for a good movie, as 50SOG stinks. About the only reason to waste your time with this dog is if it is a cold day and you need a place to get in out of the elements for two (long) hours and you only have $14 in your pocket. Otherwise, stay clear.- La Mer.

Rating: One half of one star out of five stars.