Review of Fifty Shades Freed (2018) by John M — 27 Feb 2018

Well, I guess it has come to this. So as this story draws to a close, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) are finally tying the knot. Will they be able to keep the excitement in their marriage? Will that rape-y boss from the second movie (Eric Johnson) be able to overcome all odds and ruin their happily ever after? Well, you're just going to have to find out for yourself! Now I'm not about to be the one to spoil the finale of the Grey trilogy.

.. yeah, I wasn't able to type that without laughing. Because I do watch every movie that I can get my hands on, I can say that yes, I have seen the entirety of this series (and yes, I have also seen all five Twilight movies as well).

I do understand that this was not made with me in mind, but I am still glad to see this reach its final punctuation. Now I don't buy into the people that say that this is empowering feminism, because it's most definitely not that; we clearly have very different definitions of the word if that is the argument that you're making.

This is just about Plain Jane who wants to be whisked away in this fantasy, and when I say fantasy, I'm not even talking about sexual fantasy, I'm talking about monetary fantasy filled with houses, cars, exotic trips and male attention.

Apart from the physical restraints, the sex in this is actually vanilla for the most part. They make this giant deal about how Christian is dark and can only have extremely sordid sex, but when you break it down, this isn't the case.

He's just this really clingy guy with stalker tendencies, and that is about it. He has a bunch of corny lines, and while I do think that Dakota Johnson is at least trying, I think Jamie Dornan is dreadful and will not have a career after this.

This is bad, but it's not so bad that I will want to renounce my friendship with you if this happens to be your thing. It will make me question any recommendations you give me, but that's about it.

This is melodramatic literal Twilight fan-fiction, but at the very least it was a movie that I was able to get enjoyment from just laughing at it. I don't think I have ever seen a movie try to sell its soundtrack harder than this one does here, and it presents itself at full volume at every single presented opportunity.

I do not see this series continuing unless they want to give us Fifty Grey Babies, or the Evil League of Fifty Ex-Lovers.