Review of Fifty Shades Darker (2017) by Matt C — 14 Feb 2017

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I wanted to see John Wick: Chapter 2 today, but timing insisted that I see Fifty Shades Darker instead. With a MoviePass subscription and hours to kill, it's amazing what you'll resort to doing.

You'd expect the director or Glengarry Glen Ross to inject a least a bit of storytelling Viagra into what is definitely one of the most flaccid franchises of recent years, but in an amazing turn of events, the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey is even worse than the original.

When this movie--which will now be referred to as Eyes Wide Shit--isn't anger-inducing with its privileged characters and romanticization of the central toxic relationship, it's boring because of its repetition, unintentionally hilarious due to the disastrous writing and music video direction, or baffling with its plethora of peripheral characters that don't add up to anything.

The entire theater--not just I--was laughing out loud, and that was the saving grace of this cringe-fest. After Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) has wisely left Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) at the end of the last movie due to his possessiveness, he meets up with her wanting her back, and she accepts after pondering it for less than a minute.

Meanwhile, Ana's new boss Jack (Eric Johnson) is trying to court her for no real reason other than obligatory drama, and a former submissive of Christian's named Leila (Bella Heathcote, tragically wasted after her wonderfully stilted and darkly funny work in The Neon Demon), is stalking Ana.

In theory, these subplots would make for more intrigue, but they don't amount to anything except for some guffaws at how stupid it all is. It's already been said how creepy and rapey Christian Grey is, but did you know that he has files on not just every woman that he's been with, but files on every possible submissive, including but not limited to information such as their bank account information and social security numbers? Why isn't this guy in jail yet? Also, is Ana really such a weak person that she'll just go with all of this even though it's adversely affecting her personal life and career? These are just some of the questions that arise, and they're infinitely more interesting than what the movie has to say--or doesn't say, since it doesn't say anything.

The movie is so self-serious, and whereas the first movie at least had an inkling of self-aware humor two or three times, this movie is just begging for you to be engulfed in the bodies of those onscreen and the pop soundtrack that has more of a presence than the actors.

The same acting issues from the first movie are present, but Dakota Johnson, who was probably the most acceptable thing about the first movie, obviously doesn't want to be here. I really can't even say much more about Eyes Wide Shit because it's so inane.

It's the awfulness that you'd expect and then some. Eyes Wide Shit is definitely a worse movie than the first Fifty Shades, but I'd have to say that I enjoyed myself a little bit more, just like being shot in the face is better than being slowly gutted by a machete.

The unintentional humor isn't enough to justify seeing this ironically--and it's probably best that you don't support it--but if you're strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange style and made to watch this, you might be okay if you have an IV of alcohol stuck into your arm.

This isn't so much a movie as it is an advertisement for its soundtrack on a bicker-gawk-fuck-repeat cycle, and I'd be shocked if this didn't end up being one of the worst movies of 2017. 2.

4/10, disastrous, D-, leagues below average, etc.