Review of Fifty Shades Darker (2017) by Mario D — 17 Mar 2017

Since I didn't want to risk having my cucumber confiscated while viewing this at the theater, I had to wait for an Asian HD bootleg to watch this sequel to the 2015 smash success "Fifty Shades of Grey".

The bootleg I watched had all of the sex scenes removed, so I fortunately skipped all of the pap and got straight to the smear. This worked out perfectly for two reasons. For one, it's kind of embarrassing to eat a whole cucumber by myself during an erotic thriller.

Second, the sex scenes might be too tittilating. This is uncomfortable as I am a devout Mormon and refuse to commit sexual relations until I am faithfully wed to my second and third wives. Speaking of Mormons, Stephanie Meyer, the author of the "Twilight" saga, inspired E.

L. James to adapt her erotic "Twilight" fan fiction (titled "Master of the Universe") into what we now know as the "Fifty Shades" trilogy. Needless to say, fans of the "Twilight" books and movies will thoroughly enjoy the romance and nuanced acting common to both film franchises.

Not having seen the preceding film, I was hoping that I could just infer what happened before the events in this movie. I did. Christian Grey is a sexy businessman who grew up in a broken home with a crack whore mother.

He escaped his humble beginnings to become an illuminati-tier billionaire who enlists young women to sign BDSM contracts so he can violently (and romantically) act out his childhood trauma on them - with a heart of gold.

Anastasia Steele is a beautiful girl-next-door who wants to make a career in the publishing industry on her own terms (presumably to distribute her "Twilight" fan fiction). After a rough patch of enduring Christian's abuse and breaking up, she immediately gets back together with him after he buys the company she works for and forces his way back into her heart because he is sorry about the sexual and mental abuse.

I assume they have lots of steamy sexual sex because there is 20 minutes of footage missing from my copy. But their love is imperiled by everyone wanting to assault Anastasia, and several of Christian's former victims are stalking them.

All in all, "Fifty Shades Darker" is one of the best comedies I've seen this year, with hints of "The Room", "Showgirls", and, of course, "Twilight" keeping you on your toes, if not rolling on the floor.