Review of Evolution (2001) by ! G-Man ! — 15 Aug 2009

Lightning rarely strikes twice. I only mention it because Evolution bears a more than passing resemblance to the vastly superior Ghostbusters, and the cynics among us - who, me? - might suggest that Ivan Reitman was trying to recapture some of that very same lightning. Come on: a bunch of guys with varying levels of scientific training battle beasties as well as foolish blowhards in government. This time the beasties are aliens and the blowhards are the military, but let's face it, this is Alienbusters.

Alas, while it might be similar - they've got matching uniforms, they use slime to win the day, and there's even a funny commercial at the end which smacks entirely of "We're Ready To Believe You!" - it's nowhere near as good. Ghostbusters worked because the characters were rich and we really liked them. The dialogue was inventive, quotable and hilarious. We've all heard ghost stories, which gave the plot some basis in reality. And the really frustrating thing about the intervening blowhards was that they didn't believe anything was wrong in the first place, and later decided that the Ghostbusters were the ones behind the catastrophe. (To be fair, Evolution tries the latter gag at one point, but doesn't put much effort into it.) Evolution is a thin, rather sad copy, lacking the list of Ingredient Xs that made Ghostbusters a timeless comic hit.

The casting, for one thing, doesn't quite zing like it should. The characters are sorely missing a Peter Venkman to counterpoint all the jargon. Evolution answers the immortal "Who you gonna call?" with David Duchovny, and fair enough, this story of aliens invading the Earth is right up his alley. But he's playing it so close to Fox Mulder (as Professor Ira Kane) that he's got all the boring monologue skills and none of the wit. He even comes with a po-faced backstory about an anthrax vaccine that gave 100,000 US soldiers violent side-effects for a month. This is rendered toothless by its inherent silliness: symptoms include erectile dysfunction and uncontrollable flatulence, boom-boom. Does anyone else think there may once have been a draft of the script where some of those soldiers died? It would better explain the shame and hatred that seem to surround Kane. He's not totally humourless, getting back at an enemy at one point by mooning him, but he's close.

Better is Orlando Jones as his admittedly sometimes irritating cohort, Harry Block. He gets most of the sassy lines, along with a regrettable running gag about anal intrusion. Seann William Scott is likeably simple as a trainee fireman who discovers the meteorite that causes all the trouble. Julianne Moore lightens up somewhat as the clumsy Dr Reed, although her supposed liaison with Duchovny doesn't work because there's no chemistry there. (Does anyone else think they might have tried to get Gillian Anderson first?).

The best thing about Evolution is its carefree atmosphere. The cast are clearly enjoying themselves, and there's a delightful gung-ho spirit about defeating the aliens. There can be no issue of coexistence, it seems, as they are evolving so fast that they will unquestionably bump off all other life on Earth. It's us or them, which makes things much simpler.

But at the same time, the characters take all this a little too much in their stride. Aliens, as in for-definite-this-time alien life forms from another world, have landed. Yet all Harry can think about is the Nobel Prize, all Ira can think about is scoring the first test samples before the government get in on it, and all Wayne (Scott) can think about is his fireman's exam. Hello, aliens? Anybody? Where are the men in black? There's no global panic, even when a giant dragon/dinosaur monster attacks a local mall. People seem surprised to see these creatures, but that's about it. Because they are not amazed, neither am I, and not just because everythingâs so vaguely cutesy and harmless to look at. We also forgo the question of what would happen if the creatures became sentient. It's probably for the best, morally, that they're got rid of before they can talk. That's a kettle of fish the screenwriters clearly don't want to open.

There are some dazzling ideas underneath the froth, such as what would happen if life-forms were able to evolve millions of times faster than us, seemingly in any direction. There's quite a variety of monsters because of this, from flatworms all the way to crocodiles, Pterodactyls and primates. It's a small pity they're not more alien to look at, although a few harmless early creatures actually are, but they're completely CGI and would probably be a pain to involve more frequently. Overall, they're well-realised.

You probably shouldn't scrutinise the science behind it, particularly the way our heroes arrive at a solution using the Periodic Table, some seriously lucky guesswork and five hundred gallons of shampoo. Come to think of it, where did they get all that shampoo? Where did Ira and Harry get those army uniforms? What's with the random court scene? There are many moments in the film where it feels like a scene is missing, and what's left over doesn't always make sense.

It's a jaunty, carefree monster movie. That's sadly part of the problem, what with aliens being so unshocking to people that they could have been rewritten into anything else. (There's a definite Eight Legged Freaks vibe about some of it, bringing to mind those silly giant spiders.) Absent is the biting wit of Ghostbusters - and plainly, any kind of Peter Venkman - and everyone's so unmoved that the events just sort of roll past you without mattering. It is an enjoyable hour and a half, however, with a few good giggles, if admittedly no hearty laughs. While it's never as witty as its tag-line ("Coming to wipe that silly smile off your planet"), it's still a good reminder that they don't make enough fun monster movies nowadays. Having said that, you might think it's for the best, as they plainly don't make 'em like they used to.