Review of Escape from New York (1981) by Jarett B — 21 Oct 2010

What's this I hear that John Carpenter gets to work with a budget?? Sorry, not only a budget, but an all-star class of Carpenter regulars and new additions (Borgnine and Hayes are 'out-of-sight!').

To this I say "Hurrah!", and with this we open on a (seemingly) Post-Apocalyptic New York City (212 ya'll). Ahem. Basically, Manhattan Island has become a living, breathing type of open city prison for those that are beyond reform.

50 foot high walls surround the island, with Police stations set up accordingly around the barrier, and special forces securing any/all bridges coming to and from the Island. This may sound extreme, until about 15 minutes into the film when Air-Force-One is hijacked and crashed into Manhattan Island, stranding the President but, more importantly, a briefcase that contains a cassette (yes, remember this is 1981.

Just be happy that it wasn't an 8-Track). This tape contains information that can save the "Free World" from Commie Evils: Russia and China (The Iron Curtain and The Over-Populated ... Burden?? Whatever).

Well, right there, most counties would just wipe their hands of the situation and hunker down, preparing for Commie Nukes. Enter "The Man, the Myth, the Legend", a man by the name of Lee Van Cleef (as Bob Hauk); but wait!! Where is his moustache?? Ohhh sweet Christ.

.. he's lost his mustachio-ed power! Coincidence or fate? It is at this exact time that Snake "One-Eyed" Plissken (Killer Kurt Russell) enters the high security prison, being processed in order to be inserted behind the walled prison.

That is until a desperate Hauk (Van Cleef) runs into Plissken resulting in a conversation that instantly puts hair on your balls: Hauk-"Plissken, I thought you were dead." Plissken (lighting cigarette)-"Ya.

.. so did I." Did you smell the machismo?? Because I certainly f@#king did! How do these two know each other? Well, it just so happens that Plissken is Ex-Marine or Superhero or something (doesn't matter.

He's got an eye-patch and a bad attitude). Hauk (in a non-spoiler way) hijacks Plissken for his mission: ride a hand-glider (yes a hand glider) into Manhattan, find the President (but more importantly the President's case and the tape within), and hand-glide out all within 24 hours.

In-fucking-possible? Oh, but did I forget to mention that Plissken has a tattoo of a cobra on his stomach?? Because he indeed does. Sound more possible now? Yes, I thought so. Welcome to the world of "Escape from New York.

" Now, I know the film is not only a classic Carpenter film, but also a "cult classic" (hate that fawkin' phrase) round the world. But if you ask me, and you have to, because I'm writing this bitch, here's a 4-Step Plan that would have made the movie irrelevant or would have brought it in WAY under budget.

(1) Have Van Cleef grow back his ICONIC moustache (no brainer). (2) Have Van Cleef revive his bounty-hunter character of Angel Eyes from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly." (3) Continuously loop all of Ennio Morricone's western soundtracks over the loud-speakers throughout the prison (making it impossible for ANY MAN not to get fired up for some criminal ass-kicking).

(4) Give Van Cleef Plissken's eye-patch because, stay with me here, if that rat-faced, steel-eyed, champion of all moustached men didn't scare you before... he is certain-to-f@#k going to strike fear into the hearts of men and animals from Manhattan to the Australian Outback.

Result: Game over for the Duke of New York's (Isaac Hayes) kidnapping plan. Not only would Van Cleef return with the cassette, but he'd record his own single on another cassette during the flight out of New York after rescuing the President (that's my guarantee).

No disrespect to Kurt Russell, but there are few men who can challenge the likes of Lee Van Cleef and live to tell about it. Satan once tried and, rumour has it, that it was Van Cleef who expelled Satan from Heaven and not God Almighty.

.. So, I'm just saying. To get serious for a minute, it is truly amazing what Carpenter can do with a dollar, as the sets are immense, the actors fresh, and the production values quite high for a J.

C. film. It's not my favorite J.C. film, but I can see its allure and why it's been consistently kicking ass since 1981. And I'm serious, I would love to see what J.C could do with a single dollar bill back in the day.

.. As for Kurt? Wait a few more years until he is in the Antarctic fighting some "Thing", as he's more wooden in this flick than the Wooden Indian on "Cheers.".