Review of Elves (1989) by James O — 02 Dec 2010

'25 DAYS OF HELLIDAY HORROR'.

#1: ELVES (1989).

HELLIDAY HORROR kicks starts in full force with a real stinking piece of shit called 'ELVES'. The tagline on the movie cover is great, it says "They're not working for Santa Anymore!" wuahaha classic. So you have this christmas horror movie about evil worker Elves for Santa right?? ....Wrong. What you have is a freakin' Helliday piece of shit!!

Plot:

Nobody will ever believe me, but Elves isn't really about Santa, Christmas Elves...It is about none other than...yes, you guessed it....Killer Nazi Elves! Yep....yep. I know its hard to believe but its true. I wont even bother to try to explain the stupid shit of a plot line. The screenplay must have just been awful! So its not even really about a horde or clan of elves either, its just this one, stupid, flubby looking, fake Elf, or gnome, or whatever the hell it is. It was awakened in the forest by the main girl cutting her hand and spilling blood into the floor of the forest, awakening...The Elf! The shit odor doesn't end there. The girl is actually a child of inbreeding because her grandfather had sex with his daughter, who gave birth to her. It turns out that the elf needs to find this girl to have sex with her to inpregnate her and begin a hideous race of Elves! It is revealed toward the middle of the movie that this is exactly what he Nazi's tried to do long ago...yes thats right. They tried to breed Elves to become the 4th Reich, or something stupid like that.

Overall:

The movie was awful! I dont even have to bring up the plot again! The special effects were awful. Heck by the end of the 80's they should've had decent enough effects to at least make a semi-realistic looking Elf. Instead it looks like a pitiful puppet that was probably used somewhere in the background of the 'Dark Crystal'! All of the up close scenes of its feet are awful! the feet barely touch the ground! it is so obviously a puppet that it is just sad. The movie also stars Dan Haggerty who played Grizzly Adams in 'The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams'.He actually recites this line: "I want to know what the connection is between the Elves and the Nazi's!" Wuahahahahaha really???? He says it with such heart too. It really is just sad. The only real relation the movie kept with Christmas was that it did take place on Christmas Eve/ Christmas, and Haggerty basically plays Santa Claus because he is hired for a cheap Santa gig at a department store, so everyone calls him Santa. Sadly the movie can not be considered anything great except it is quite a nice preparation for the shit fests to come in '25 Days of Helliday Horror'. Also just for the record, the Elf only killed 3 people total! How sad is that. There also is not any kind of sequel, and it is obvious why, this movie is so shitty that it should die and be buried alone. The plot was so all over the place and stupid that it would have been so much easier and better to just have it a movie about killer Santa Elves that are resurrected or are from the north pole or something, that all come in a huge, evil horde (like Gremlins) and terrorize a town!! Now that is what X-mas horror is all about! Terrorizing the fuckin' town! Just to clear the raunching stink of Elves, I am going to have to watch something good and classic for movie #2, GREMLINS! *Review to come soon* Have a very, scary, merry christmas everyone :).