Review of Echelon Conspiracy (2009) by Jamel R — 19 Aug 2009

Wow, this movie was simply terrible (and seems wholly irrelevant after Eagle Eye, which has almost everything this movie has in it, but does it all better, except for having Shia LeBouef in it - I still do not understand how he has a film career). So, why a whole star and not a half? It is so hysterically awful it is actually perversely enjoyable to watch. Save for the lead (Shane West - a sort of third world Matthew Perry), this is actually a really strong cast. If you ever need evidence that writing and story maketh the actor, and not the other way round, watch this movie. Ed Burns is laughably bad, spitting out some of the most ham-fisted dialogue I have seen in recent memory. (Although Ed, ultimately, I am sure you don't really care what you do with the rest of your life, as anybody who gets to sleep with Christy Turlington on a regular basis already has WAY too many things going his way!!) Ving Rhames looks like a bloated animatronic version of his former self last seen in Pulp Fiction and Mission Impossible, and what the hell is Jonathan Pryce doing in this movie in a role that could've been played by ANYBODY!! (or thing - door, lamp, chair...) And Martin Sheen - wow, your constant unwavering, unvaried anger almost looks real, perhaps because you signed up before reading the script?

Highlights include:

* shockingly low production values;.

* paper-thin explanations for plot developments and location shifts;.

* one of the most inordinately dull car chases ever seen in film;.

* the 'love story' between Perry-lite and a quasi-prostitute (played by the very beautiful Tamara Feldman, who really shows she can be more than the lying wh*re she plays in Gossip Girl; she can also playing a lying wh*re with semi-convincing fighting skills) - think Pretty Woman with in reverse, with bullets and match-making by Ed Burns;.

* the cheesiest "twists" since Twisties were invented;.

* the early scenes in the casino where Perry-lite is told not to use a mobile phone in the casino, so then proceeds to subvert security by placing an enormous ear piece in his ear with a glowing bright blue light on in - genius!!;.

* any scene just between Perry-lite and Ed Burns - awesomely bad stuff;.

* Jonathan Pryce's speech about the eagle, which doesn't even make sense to Ed Burns's character (let alone anybody else), but presumably is meant to make him seem very sinister and mysterious.

Simply staggering this got a cinema release - will give anybody hoping to enter the film industry hope - ENJOY!!