Review of Eat Pray Love (2010) by Jenny S — 31 Mar 2011

For me to review Eat Pray Love, it is a major conflict of interest, because Julia Roberts and I are brother and sister. Her father says so. Her wife believes this. Julia and I are just the best of friends, but when El Julio calls my father Dad, and I call her Dad "Pops" and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the movies and pussy... We can lose all track of time on planet Earth.

But having attended the World Premiere of Eat Pray Love last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the movie. 10 to 1, I believe Julia Roberts eats pussy better than any man alive.

Watch her 'GELATO A-BUGGIN' sequence in Eat Pray Love. Eat Pray Love is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Julia Roberts goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. She smiles as she does this Watching the audience begin to squirm, then she takes the audiences' clit in her mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. She backs off long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top The audience is cooing He has them, they want release. She acts like she's going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences' backs arched, ready to cum. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, her head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, she builds again The pressure at a near boiling point Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there right there at that point suddenly she's relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms trying to get away, trying to escape back back back, but she has you, and she's never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric Frenetically frothing Julia hears them begging no more, when she decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm The audience relaxes labored breathing a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BITCH IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push her away, but no more pleasure, more joy, more fun You can't handle it, you start giggling and screaming And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end The credits roll, the theater lights come up You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn she respects the clit!

Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far- maybe- But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Julia was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas') gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn't tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you're fingers are wet- enjoy!".

Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked Julia "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Reapers?

Julia looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that she is and said, "You have to understand Make Up artists, they never get any pussy, so they are always creating it!".

ZACTLY!

Now lest you think this film is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing- It is not. Julia likes to pretend this movie is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can't see Julia at work here.

Eat Pray Love is from Goya's Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Reapers.. The sparing use of color- There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this film. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Reapers- A melancholy to the movie at its quiet moments. When you see the Reaper that Julia's BETTY catches- "Like a coyote he's been gnawing away at his arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can't look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Julia understands that morbidity. You can see it in her film here.

Her mounds of skulls in the sewers of Delhi are not pure bones, there's rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The film revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.

A smile. Eat Pray Love was a teaser- It was just pussylicking-. SNOW WHITE is deep dicking!

Eat Pray Love has subtle romance- platonic bonds- machismo posturing- and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Julia? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the actor to perform and improv and connect with his audience the way that Julia does here- Or the Reapers? Then there is the fact that this is 100% R-rated- unapologetically.

Hope you enjoy Julia's tongu- I mean Eat Pray Love, you'll be back for seconds.