Review of Doom (2005) by Rood T — 10 Jun 2010

Andrzej Bartkowiak's Doom is about as scary as watching a fat kid talk about the Easter Bunny. But with reason. I have never in my life seen such a composite of other movies without having the words National Lampoon tacked on to the title. Here's a few examples:

The monster's hidden in the airlock via Alien.

Every character is stolen from Predator, including the tough chief who gets in over his head, nerdy guy who catches the ball with his hand, black guy who never talks but has a menacing gun and grin, pervert who runs his mouth too much (see Jesse Ventura), extras who are there for the killing, and a young guy who takes too many Xanaxes. Alright the last wasn't in Predator with good reason.

The creature sounds like a cross between the Predator and a smoker coughing.

Demon eyes jump out of the dark via the wolf attack in the The Neverending Story.

The creature looks like Pumpkinhead, has the mobility of Son of Kong, and the speed of my grandmother jazzercising.

Insane Sargeant via Dolph Lundren in "Universal Soldier".

Sewer monster via Star Wars: A New Hope.

Sick dissection of monster comparable to human organs via The Thing.

Ex-Patriot zombie that looks like Bub via Day of the Dead.

Horrifying shot of the inside of a British actors mouth via Austin Powers.

Overall the movie blew despite its attempt to follow the excellent video game Doom III. Messages from a remote research colony on Mars report that an outbreak has occured and jeopadized the scientific crew of the outpost known as Olduvai. Led by Sarge (Dwayne Johnson, The Rock), specialized marines known as Rapid Response Tactical Squad are sent in to investigate and secure the location. After finding the doctor who sent the message wounded and chewing on an arm, the team soon discovers they are in the middle of a horrifying epidemic threatening to be spread to Earth. The Squad must stop it by all means necessary. Sorry I can't claim that last phrase. Malcolm X termed it. I just used it incorrectly, simliar to the way the big Hawaiian Sarge (Rock) misuses it in the movie.

To be honest the only worthwhile actor in the movie is the Dwight Yoakam look-alike who digs she-boys and bad clothes. I have no idea who he is, but he looks disgusting. Karl Urban (Eomer in Lord of the Rings) stars as Reaper, a character with as much background and emotion as The Rock's The Rock. The Rock wasn't bad,and actually remains a strong prescence throughout. But let's all remember that this is a man named after a Micheal Bay movie (see The Island review in last weeks issue for more information). Why is it everytime a movie stars a wrestler, the wrestler has to do a wrestling move sometime before the credits. This one includes The Rock pulling off John Cena's move, probably named after some horrible white rapper.

Rosamund Pike, a versitale actress who has starred in such movies as Joe Wright's Pride and Prejudice and Tobe Miller's excellent adaptation of Nancy Mitford's Love in a Cold Climate, has apparently decided to pick a movie where her character's name is Dr. Grimm. Fire your agent Pike. It's funny that there are some decent actors in such a hoopla of crapiness. Unforunately, its not funny ha-ha. Its funny sob-sob. There's Ben Daniels, known mostly for serious roles such as in Hettie Macdonald's Beautiful Thing and Lavina Curries' Passion in the Desert, and Guy Ritchie favorite Dexter Fletcher all losing their careers on this one. And who can forget Van Helsing's Richard Roxburgh whose probably saving his.

The plot like the cast was a bit off. Where did the Asian lady come from? We start the movie hearing how the area has been closed off and then see the Marines going through an elaborate system of checkpoints to gain access inside the hazardous area, only to end up having some lady show up out of nowhere complaining about her husband who I guess is dead, you don't really find out. But you just know she's going to die. And she does in a huge butcher scene where like twenty innocent people are slaughtered. At least that's according to Sarge's description of the scene in one of the worse off camera references I have seen in some time. The rest of the plot is like watching batteries corrode.

But you aren't watching this for a plot. You're watching this for action packed action. Which it doesn't really have much of. Besides Goat smashing his head on the glass, the only thing close to action you get is when the main character Reaper (Urban) gets a shot of Chromosome 24. It doesn't matter that you're not sure what this is, because I don't either. What is important is that Chromosome 24 causes him to go into berserker mode, a nod to all the Doom games. Here the movie switches to first person view point simliar to Doom III, and all the plot and dialogue you've been ignoring is put on the back burner for some good quick senseless killing of bad guys. Where'd they come from? Who cares. Blow that ugly guys head off. Its great. You see through Reaper's eyes as he runs the compound blowing monsters out existence without hesitation or fear. I could've paid just for this scene. Unfortunately it lasted about a minute and a half. But man was it worth it. Maybe not worth the rental cost, but let's all hope that the Unscene will cover my loss. The scene even shows the chainsaw in use, my personal favorite weapon from all the gamesGreat and terrific, it should've been the whole movie, though another minute and I woul've needed a Dramamine. In the long run, don't buy this one, don't even rent it. Skip it and watch WWE circa 2001 for the same action and just as ugly bad guys.

Now as a last complaint, I would like to bring up the lack of use of the greatest Doom weapon, the BFG. The weapon is shown, and I drolled at the thought of it ripping apart some bad guys. However it isn't used on a single demon, just on a bunch of walls. That, my friends, is a bunk ass pile of salt.