Review of Donkey Punch (2008) by Joan T — 21 Jul 2008

This starts like The Spice Girls' video for Wannabe... and that's pretty much how it continues. It wants to be so many things and really doesn't have the stamina or the brains to manage much of anything.

Firstly we follow a parade of obnoxious Costa-party-types as they galavant through a coastal Spanish town, to the beat of an arsehole's mixtape from hell. It's all very "Beefa" as we are constantly reminded. This sets them up as a group of young people that I'd happily see killed in a variety of gruesome ways, so it's not too bad.

It takes a sudden turn into 'Hollyoaks In The City' territory as the blokey bloke bloke's "plan" starts to come to fruition (it seems the master scheme is to hump random women)... This alludes to a plot arc that never, ever sees the light of day. Perhaps a back story of some kind? Or that they've done something like this before? Nah, that'd need a second draft of the script! No time for that. Let's stick to the humping!

And hump they do, for it seems that most of the budget was spent on getting these nubile idiots in the buff. Even though little is left to the imagination when they're (ahem) fully clothed anyway! The sex scenes play out to breaking point - literally.

So, the first half of the film could be left on the cutting room floor - so little does it accomplish.

The titular Donkey Punch is the turning point for the film. Sadly, it's gone in a flash and there's no attempt to parade it as the sickening act it clearly is. The scene doesn't stick in the memory - no decent sound effect or imagery. It just happens because it has to happen... yawn, stretch.

The actual horror/terror that unfolds after this is confusing and almost entirely unrelated to what has happened in the bedroom. We're left with characters we don't like and a situation no one seems to understand or care about. Every choice is inane and uninspired. The only redemption being some gory deaths - although you don't see the gore because the budget has gone on tits and willies.

In the end you're left with an experience that relates to nothing you could possibly ever care about. That this is being heralded as "cutting-edge horror" and "the most ...shocking thriller of the year" is risible.

In reality it's a new dimension in English sea-side postcards. A bit of 'oo-er missus' for the noughties with a touch of splatter wedged in to justify the 18-rating the sex scenes demanded.

Yawn. Stretch.